All this time, I believed I was happy.
Things were great in the beginning. It felt like a fairy tale. I did not know we would lose that.
I was blind.
It progressed. Fighting, laughing, crying, pain. It was a roller coaster that was not the fun kind, even though there were times when it was enjoyable.
This roller coaster had twists and turns that made me sick to my stomach. I was dizzy, crying, begging to get off.
Let me out.
But I could not do it. I did not want to get off that ride because wasn't it supposed to be thick and thin? Wasn't I supposed to handle it myself?
I do believe it was love, but we lost sight of it. I first blamed myself for what you did and said to me. I was always in the wrong.
I was happy with what I thought we were, but as I reflect and look back, I was not as happy as I thought I was. I strived for something better, and we lost that.
All the times I begged for you to stay when you threatened to leave, you really wanted to. I should not have begged. You did not deserve my pleading and my time. All the times you made me cry, I should have left.
One is not supposed to treat the other like that. Stupid me, thinking you'd learn and change.
But my faith was hanging on by a single thread. Each day felt worse and worse, as I drifted farther and farther from you. We were next to each other, but I felt miles away.
The good in me, my good heart, really wanted it to work, to push through, to ignore all the stigmas we faced, to be "the ones" for each other. But it could no longer believe. The constant arguing, the trusting issues, the allegations, the pain. I could not live with it anymore.
It was constantly breaking, and I did not even know it.
I do not deserve that, and all I did was treat you like gold.
When I thought I was happy, I was smiling.
When I thought I was happy, I was in love.
When I thought I was happy, no one knew.
Now, as I write this, I have no regrets in stepping out. I do not hate myself for anything, and I do not hate you.
I hope real love is found. If it is with me, then it will be. But I learned that I matter, and I deserve more. One is supposed to lift you up, not put you down.
I cannot erase the words you spat at me when I was not good enough. Were you feeling this way the entire time?
You will find that letting me go was a wise decision, as you will find something better. Good for you, but it would be good for me to do the same.
I am sorry we did not work. I was rooting for us.
When I thought I was happy, I realized my worth.
When I thought I was happy, it ended.
When I thought I was happy, I really wasn't.
I am happy, now.