Scheduling doctors appointments. Calling in prescription refills. An alarm going off to remind me to take those medications everyday, twice a day. The scars left on my arm from when they couldn't find the vein while taking blood. These are the things that are constant reminders that I have something, or a lot of things, wrong with me.
That feeling of complete brokenness. The feeling that my body is deteriorating and will never be restored. The constant comparisons between my messy health record, and everyone else's clean slate. The lingering thoughts and worries about the future. I work very hard to hide my emotions and feelings towards these grudges. I do my best to make sure everyone believes that I am strong and have it all together, but putting on that facade only adds to the burden I try to carry. I know I am not alone in these feelings, and that there are a lot of people silently suffering. It's time that I, and everyone else, have to realize that it is okay to be broken.
It sounds strange, being okay with being messed up. But it's a beautiful thing when you can look in the mirror, see the flaws, and be content. It's not easy. You have to confront the messy things, you have to acknowledge the blemishes that life has provided. But recognizing that the blemishes exist, is not enough. As a Christian, I know that the weaknesses I have only glorify the Lord more. My physical health problems have led to my struggles with pride and trust. Weakness can be defined in the physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental realms. There are many types of weaknesses, but every weakness gives room for God to show his strength. Trusting that my weaknesses will glorify the Lord is a hard thing to do.
Through all of my pain and struggles, I've learned that I am not here on earth for my own gratification, but for His. I have learned that if nothing was wrong with me, there would be no room for grace, no room for growth, and Jesus would have died on the cross for absolutely nothing. Every time I minimize my struggles, or try to fake perfections, I minimize the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The worst of this is when, I realize my problems and assume that I can fix them on my own. There is no greater sense of failure, than when I try to patch up all my holes, and stop the pain by myself. The failure only adds to the pain, because I am simply not capable of repairing those holes. That's why God sent his one and only son and sacrificed him. To fill the holes, to mend the brokenness.
The struggle with being broken is not an easy thing to talk about, to admit to, and to deal with. You are not alone. You are not supposed to fix it. You are sweetly broken, so the Lord can sweetly restore you.
