As a writer for this esteemed platform, I see myself as a wordsmith of the first degree, equal to the likes of the editors of the New York Times and the first-class reporters of the Associated Press. Here at Odyssey, we tackle hard-hitting, controversial topics such as "8 Relatable Pinterest Love Quotes" and "100 Of The Best Vines Of All Time."
In writing this piece, I am contributing to a global discussion of immense gravity. In short, I will tackle what is arguably the most pressing question of our generation: when does Christmas truly begin?
The answer to this ever-so intricate question is best addressed by the use of a spectrum, just as with politics, gender, and electromagnetic light. Here, I will outline varying views and perspectives on the true beginning of Christmas. Hopefully, my definitions of holiday season interest groups will help you in your quest for answers by identifying where you stand on the issue:
Do you advocate for putting the "Christ" back in Christmas? Do you view Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Yuletide as occupying their own separate spheres of influence? Is it your belief that Pumpkin Spice Season needs to die and that snow must fall before Christmas can be properly celebrated? If you adhere to these beliefs, you are likely to be a Christmas Conservative.
For Christmas Conservatives, Noel and the greater holiday season coincides with the 25th and the week and a half or so before. There is no compromise, there is no debate. The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie for them, as they can't tolerate Jesus' birthday being sullied by creepy stop-motion animation.
Why can't everyone just get along? I mean, we love the holiday season, but we might as well wait until Thanksgiving ends, right? These are questions often asked by Compromise Clauses.
CCs are the moderates in this debate, seeing the boundary between the seasons of Pumpkin Spice and the Holidays as fluid and up to interpretation. Maybe the holiday season begins with the emergence of Santa at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Who can really say? They enjoy the film of Jack Skellington fine, appreciating the coexistence and diversity of the world's various holidays and seasons. Sadly, their reassuring, moderate voices are drowned out by the two other demographics. They are, indeed, the quintessential silent majority.
Firm believers in the dominance of the One True Holiday. To them, Christmas' influence practically begins at the end of October. If they really had their way, we would perpetually be in the holiday season. There would simply be no end to holiday cheer.
Thanksgiving is a myth. To regard other so-called "holidays" as equal to Most Glorious Noel is a thoughtcrime of the highest order. If you end up on their naughty list you better watch out, cause you gonna die. Yuletide Supremacists watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and enjoy it, but skip through all the Halloween scenes.
Dear readers, I hope you enjoyed my unneeded ethnography of the Christmas spectrum. Having written this masterpiece, I fully expect to receive some sort of research stipend from William & Mary for my groundbreaking work within the next few days or so. Have a magical holiday season, whenever it might be for you!