Anybody who has ever felt like where they grew up never truly fit who they were knows the uncomfortable experience of coming back home. It is an in-describable feeling seeing the same cars parked at the same gas station on a Friday night, to see your bedroom still decked out in old cheerleading medals and zebra print decor, and to recognize the same familiar faces waiting tables at the local breakfast diner. It is as if everything stayed just the way you left it.
When you yourself have changed more in the years you have been gone than in the years you spent home, you begin to feel disconnected to your hometown in a way that I'm not sure I will ever get used to. It is a surreal feeling to realize that leaving where I grew up caused my personality, my ambitions, and my values to change. The experiences gained from being away have shaped who I am today, and coming back home reminds me of the place I was once in. It is a happy reminder, because I am gracious for where life has taken me now and for the one's who raised me with so much love and support, but it is also a sad thought, because I no longer feel comfortable in the parameters of my hometown.
It goes beyond the melancholic feeling of strolling through your old high school parking lot and reminiscing on the "good ole days." I can do that, certainly, as my years home were fun and needless to say, adventurous. But, this is a different experience all together. It isn't a feeling of regret, but more of a realization that life can not only go in a different direction than you planned, but can change who you are as a person by taking you to and through places you never thought were in the cards for you.
It is neither a feeling of believing you are better than anyone in your hometown, but more of a feeling that there is no longer any common ground. Everything there feels old, feels nostalgic, and makes me feel out of place because it all stayed the same while I was changing so much.
I ran into an old friend from high school while I was working the other day. We caught each other up to speed on what we we're up to now, what our plans were for the future, and even chatted a little about what everyone else was doing, as most old acquaintances do. He told me he visits our hometown as often as he can. I am happy he still feels like that town is "home." I can't relate. My sweet parents and amazing little brother are the only reasons I still come back as often as I do. The places and people of my new city is what feels like "home" to me.
Maybe I will come across this same feeling when I graduate college and return one day to my college campus. Maybe this is what growing up and creating your own life feels like. Even so, I can think of people I grew up with who will have no problem returning home and staying there as long as possible. That is not a bad thing, we all deserve the chance to find our sense of belonging no matter where that happens to be. For me, it is not in my hometown, and I think I am starting to see the good in that.
P.S. This is where I grew up.
