They tell you that everything is fine. They tell you it is not a big deal and you are just blowing things out of proportion. I hate hearing that. I hate having my feelings generalized. To me that thing that made me anxious, IS a big deal. Just because you tell me not to worry does not mean I won't. In all honesty, I will worry even more, because now I know that you see me falling apart. Anxiety does not let you just push that thought to the side. That thought lingers. That feeling lingers. Before you know it, your body is frozen, and your chest gets tight. This tiny little thought has ruined the day, because your body won't shake it. At least mine won't.
I first noticed my anxiety when I was a sophomore in high school, and I went to get my hair cut. I wanted a change, and I wanted to try cutting my hair shorter, because why not? I was dating someone and all I ever heard from them was, "I don't like girls with short hair" or "Hopefully it still looks good." So right away I was worried that after this hair cut, that same guy that told me how much he cared about me and how beautiful I looked regardless, would not like me anymore. Thus during my hair cut, i started to feel really light-headed after every time I felt the scissors cut strands of my hair. I would get really hot at times and just feel like I was going to faint. I just needed to sit on the ground. I just needed to breath and for someone to tell me it was okay. My mind was racing because at the same time, I was thinking to myself about how ridiculous I was being because in the bigger picture this was just a haircut.
That was not enough to convince myself to snap out of this. I ended up standing up and crying and just asking to be able to sit on the ground for just a minute. I just needed a minute and then this would all be better. But it was not better after a minute. I got so overwhelmed and anxious I fell asleep in a chair. My body was exhausted and I felt at an all time low. Needless to say an hour haircut, turned into a day haircut.
My point is, anxiety consumes the body. It makes you feel all certain things and think these insane thoughts. Till this day I still struggle with anxiety and fight through it. Anxiety makes presenting in front of people so hard. Or just the thought of reading in front of people makes me want to break down and cry, because in my mind I am so worried that everyone is just waiting for me to mess up a word or forget how to pronounce something. True story, I started to cry in my college economics class because I had to read in front of the class (I know how elementary), and kept getting phrases or questions wrong. I look back on it now, and know that in that situation I was fighting my anxiety; I was trying my best. At the same time I was just trying to get done reading as well. When I look back at it, I think the most important part of that, was that I learned from it. I can't say that I won't have those feelings again the next time I get called on to read something or asked to present something, (and believe me I will, I want to have a career in business) but I can say I will know how to react better because I have already been through it once.
Anxiety makes dealing with confrontation that much harder. When people argue, or are mad, I don't know what to do. I've been told that's being childish and I need to learn to handle situations like that. And while that is true, that person, that is judging me in that moment, has no idea what its like to fight anxiety.
Anxiety is not like fighting a cold, that with the right medicine will be gone in a few days. Even with the right medicine, it is a daily fight. The people around us don't necessarily see this fight, since it is an internal fight, so they don't know what is going on inside. Fighting anxiety is going for walks or car rides as a distraction from what is bothering you. Fighting anxiety is taking really deep breaths and letting them go slowly one by one. Fighting anxiety is literally telling yourself, "STOP!", out loud because there needs to be an end to the endless thoughts racing in your mind. Fighting anxiety is sometimes just breaking down and crying and asking for someone to be there for you. To just talk to you and tell you, while this may feel like a breaking point, YOU will get through this and YOU are strong. Breaking down and needing someone is failing. It does not mean you lost the fight. It means you realize what you need in that moment. And while anxiety may take over your life, each time you fight it, you overcome it, and maybe just maybe the next fight will be easier.
