To The Friend Who I Thought Would Always Be My Side, I Guess This Is Goodbye

Hey.

It's been months since we last talked—who would've seen that coming? I know I definitely didn't. So much has happened since we last spoke. I feel like this is when I should tell you how much I miss you, but a part of me knows you probably don't care. If you did, we'd probably still be friends…right?

The last time I saw you we hugged goodbye. You texted me with heart emojis the next day and said you had a good time. Sent me the pictures we had taken the night before. Two weeks later, I asked how you were doing and if you were busy that weekend. Your response came across as sour and resentful. It left me with the gut feeling that something was wrong, even though I didn't know what. People told me I was being silly; that nothing had happened and maybe you were just going through something.

I tried to think of how to reach out and ask what was going on. Time passed. I didn't know how to ask why you hadn't spoken to me for weeks. If you were okay and just needed some space. Five months after we last saw each other, you suddenly and silently blocked me on everything. Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat... So I guess you've been thinking about me too; but not about how to fix things.

Even though we are no longer friends, I just want you to know that I could never hate you.

Trust me, I've tried. It sounds awful, but I thought it would be easier to get over losing our friendship if I could hate you—but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was hurt when you left, but I will never hate you. You were my best friend.

I hope you're happy. Because I really do wish you the best. I hope you've found someone new to send all those weird memes too, to talk to when you're stressed, to dance to Shakira and Tame Impala with, and to equally complain and celebrate about all the things with.

Am I sorry? Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't have the courage to just tell me what I did to make you so angry that you decided to end the friendship without a word. You always complained about your relatives that treated you this way. I'm sorry to think that you made the petty and childish choice to block someone on social media and cut them out of your life instead of just talking out your feelings. I am disappointed that the good memories I have of our friendship will always be marred by the way you chose to end it.

Our friendship was different than most and I can't believe we let it slip away.

I guess this is life. Nothing is constant and no one owes you anything. Know that I cherish the memories we made over the last 10 years and wouldn't trade them for anything. And even though we're not friends anymore, I still want to thank you. Thank you for the adventures we shared and the nights were we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Thank you for staying overnight in the hospital with me that one time when I was injured. Thank you for calming me down last summer when I had a bad reaction and for taking care of me on drunken nights, even if I threw my pizza crusts across the room. Thank you for the Disney World trip and running 5ks and 10ks with me. Thanks for the days spent at the pool and for going to summer solstice yoga with me three years in a row. Thank you for the beach trips, the concerts, the nights out. The endless memories that exist in handwritten cards, photos, and videos. 2019 may be the year you chose to end the friendship, but it is also a year that was full of some of our best adventures.

I'll always remember you as the person who was once my best friend.