Have you heard? Humanity just found seven more planets to memorize. NASA wants you to think that this is an incredible accomplishment, but it's not that impressive. The nerds even made up a new term like "exoplanet" to make it seem cool. Seven planets? Big whoop says I. We have nine already. Call me when we find like 100 new planets or if we catch God in the act of making a new one. Do we really need any more? I think we all need to take a moment to appreciate the classics. Here's a gentle reminder as to why the Milky Way is the only way. To party.
1. Mercury
My father is allergic to mercury, so I'm glad it's 48 million miles from Earth. Mercury is named for the Roman god of missed texts. Also known as "The Angry First," this planet is kind of like a hotter version of Earth's moon. I don't want to say much about this. This list is meant to reignite your passion for our solar system, and Mercury is pretty basic. Let's move on before we fall asleep.
2. Venus
Venus is Earth's gassier sister, and is named after the Roman goddess of expensive dinners. This bloated red vixen will give you a new appreciation for oxygen, for Venus is covered in clouds of toxic gas. Scientists refer to this layer of the atmosphere as "The Friendzone," and you can bet it burns. I was looking up fun facts about Venus but the website I went to had a banner ad for Marvel Heroes 2016, then my computer crashed when I clicked on it. Just know that Venus is special and the newly discovered galaxy doesn't have one.
3. Earth
The Plates, World of Tanks, Big Dirty Blue, whatever you call it, Earth is our home. Earth is not named after a Roman deity because the Romans didn't want to any gods to watch them conquer and enslave their enemies. No one knows who first called this rock "Earth" but the name just stuck after about 4 billion years. Earth is best known for being a real bro. Countless species have crashed here without letting Earth know in advance, and most of them never paid rent or helped carry in groceries. Earth is the only planet that matters because it's the only planet that knows how to have fun.
4. The Moon
Although Earth's moon is not a planet, it manages to show up when it's not supposed to, say, around dusk for example. The moon has infiltrated my list and it will most likely linger here for a while before it realizes that it is not nighttime.
5. Mars
Mars is named for the Roman god of bad news. That's why there's a sizable asteroid belt separating us from him. Mars is the type of planet to open a box of cereal and not bother to reseal the bag. It would also probably smoke cigarettes and inhabit wharfs. Not much is known about Mars other than it's red, it's small and it might've been wet once. Fun fact: Matt Damon's beard in "The Martian" was made with computers.
6. Jupiter
What are you looking at? Jupiter's famous red spot is most likely a cosmic storm of different elements, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is pepperoni. Whatever it is, here's to hoping he gets it checked out. Jupiter is the boss, for it is named after the Roman god of the same name, and the Greek god of the Zeus name. I was once told I would go to Jupiter to get stupider because I'm a boy, but don't believe the hype. They can't really do that, and Zeus could have any mortal he wants. Seriously. Look it up.
7. Saturn
This planet rocks ice. Saturn has more rings than I do, so it doesn't seem fair for me to say anything bad about it. If I did talk smack I'd probably have to answer to Saturn's 53 moons, and they are all bigger than me (except Mimas). Saturn's rings are made up of 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure and 50% pain. Saturn is named for the Roman god of Hungry-Man dinners. If you look at Saturn through a telescope you should be fine.
8. Uranus
Uranus is not as impressive as my anus, but this planet still deserves your full attention. Uranus acts like it's just a dreamy blue ball of humility, but it's low-key fascinating. It's titled sideways or something. Isn't that cool? I don't know whose idea that was, but props to the creativity. Uranus is named for the Roman god of comedy.
9. Neptune
Neptune gives Earth a run for it's money in the being blue department, but that's okay. Not much to say about Neptune. It's pretty blue. I think we all know that Neptune is the Roman god of pool parties, but I'm starting to realize the Milky Way is a bit of a boy's club in terms of god to goddess ratio. Maybe one of the new planets will be named Beyonce to balance this out.
10. Pluto
Brrr! Is it chilly in here or is it just me? Pluto is so cold that it almost killed Arnold from "The Magic School Bus." That was the only time I saw Carlos speechless. Speaking of no words, I was shocked when those loonies at NASA decided Pluto wasn't a planet way back when. If Pluto isn't a planet, then why is it on my list? Pluto is named after the Roman god of the underworld, which is a little mean.
11. Florida (Flat Earth)
The planet furthest from known life is Florida. Here you will find nothing as it should be. Florida makes its own rules and nothing about it makes any sense. This is truly the final frontier. Florida is a nonsense word coined by the god Walt Disney.
I hope this list made you more appreciative of our solar system. Retweet the new galaxy if you must, but don't forget who was here for you first. Call me old-fashioned but this solar system is all I need.
