Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary Online defines manhood as “the qualities that are expected in a man.”

Manhood is more than just the qualities of who you are. Manhood is the culmination of all that one is and all that one is not. So when asked, “What does it take to be a man?” obviously there will be some oversight and overlapping.

Let’s start with what manhood is not:

Manhood is not something that be taught, bought, borrowed, stolen, or even given to.

Manhood is not found at the bottom of any bottle, not consumed like a pill, not a substance.

Manhood is not just a word or a saying or a literal dick measuring contest to determine who “the better man” is.

Manhood is not taking your anger out on your partner, or children, or family.

Manhood is not shutting yourself off from everything else simply because the world didn’t “deal you a fair hand.”

Manhood is not giving up, giving it, letting go, and forgetting the pain. It is none of these things

I figured out what Manhood was to me at an early age. A father, labored with trying to find the bottom of a bottle and a heart full of anger and hurt. I saw this man, my supposed role model in life and found nothing but pity for him. I did not learn Manhood until I was already a man. I did not understand what its implications were until it was too late to change.

So what IS manhood?

Manhood is learning who you are on the inside. What drives you, it’s what fuels you to wake up each morning.

Manhood is knowing that the world isn’t fair, but damn it all if you aren’t going to fight back every day.

Manhood is using the pain in your life, transforming it into something beautiful and creative

Manhood is learning that there are things much bigger than you will ever be, and learning to contribute to them as opposed to tear them down.

Manhood is learning to love. Learning to craft something and hold your bonds to it.

Manhood is creating a legacy. Forging, with your own hands, a history that inspires those who were able to see you live that life.

Manhood is everything that a male-identifying figure in society can be.

I figured out what Manhood could be from someone who had been affected by the worst aspects of it. Unloved, mistreated and abused. She taught me what a man can be. What a man should be. A man should be loving to all fellow persons, regardless of who they are or where they came from. A man should contribute to the world in the most positive way possible, so as to contribute to the betterment of the world around. A man should be the best possible version of himself, but that this version is in his eyes alone. A man’s goals and aspirations should be bound to no object, not ideal that is not of his own creation. She told me that a man can do anything.

That’s what a man is to me. Someone who does what they can to contribute, with no holding back. Someone who fights for what they believe in and nurture what they love.

So, I ask you: What is Manhood to you?