Disclaimer: anyone that makes it into the gym more than my once a month visit hopefully knows I'm joking with these descriptions... go make your fitness dreams come true!
Elliptical
These are my people. So you run like an ostrich? It's okay, here's your cardio machine that makes working out actually seem like a thrill. You get to work those arms and legs while maintaining the ability to people watch. Sounds like a win-win.
Treadmill
Oh hey, you go-getter you! I know you are cranking up that elevation in hopes that those trotting fools next to you understand you are MASTER OF THE MILLS. Okay, maybe you just like to run. But I can't because I look weird, so I'm going to taunt you.
Stationary Bike
So you're a self-starter that's a little more bashful than treadmill guy over there? Psh, no big deal. So what you like to sit down when you work out? You do you boo. You and your bike are spinning away the minutes with some hardcore cardio in your own little world. Sure, you know everyone can hear how fast you're peddling, but little do they know you're right there with elliptical gal that has knee problems or looks funny when she runs.
Heavy Weights
From the five pound free weights I'm struggling with I see some meaty McMeaterton's lifting giant pieces of metal. Oh yeah, we hear your grunts, no worries. These individuals are all about their fitness and bulk - and they are not afraid to show it off.
Free Weights
Ah, my people again. Let's not push the envelope boys and girls, let's just tone what muscles we can and call it a day. And hey - if we get through the workout without dropping a medicine ball on our foot I'd call it a successful workout.
Muscle-Toning Machines
Well here I am tangled in a machine. But no worries, there is a lean, definitely mean individual giving this machine and my incompetence the stare-down. The people that use these machines don't want to deal with your petty inexperience, they're just trying to get swoll (I am so sorry I just said swoll).
Zumba
Uh oh, we've got a fun-lover here! Facebook-proclaimed lover of life and dancing you just shaking those hips until the sun don't shine. Don't you be fooled! Class doesn't end when the music stops - body roll your way out into the world and dance it out sister.
Yoga
If there is anyone that wants to be in touch with their inner being, it's you baby-girl. Roll out that mat and get stretching because you can't wait for your zen any longer. Refreshed and stretchy, you can finally get that "delicious" kale smoothie you've wanted all day long.
The Snack Machine
WOW that was a tough workout. All you can seem to think about after working out is eating. Thankfully, there's a machine for that. Punching in those numbers really gets the blood pumping to the body, mind and spirit. The single squat to retrieve your candy bar is probably the most important thing you'll do all day. Not to mention the gentle precision it takes to peel back the wrapper to a candy bar and ruin that workout can really leave a person winded.
