Most people that know me know I feel very deeply about the word "retarded." I sound like a broken record, but I HATE THAT WORD.
First, let me say, I love name-calling as much as the next person does. It’s an easy way to reduce someone to a single frustrating or irritating quality. It’s easy to call someone a “moron” or an “idiot” if they cut you off in traffic. It’s easy to curse your professor’s name under your breath in class when they give you a short deadline for a homework assignment. But every time I hear “retard” or “retarded” slip into casual conversation, I usually say something about it.
For the millions of times I’ve called someone out for saying "retarded", there have been a million times I haven’t and later wished I had. I get one of two reactions: 1) The person apologizes and feels uncomfortable for offending me, or, 2) I offend them and they tell me how they can say whatever they want. I have never felt very satisfied or comfortable having this conversation with a friend.
Once I was in my dorm room at University of Northern Iowa, four years ago, with a couple of friends. Talking about something that had happened earlier that week, one of my friends commented, “That guy is retarded.” My immediate reaction, and in most cases, is to stammer back, “Well, my sister’s retarded.” I showed him a picture of my sister and watched him flinch. He told me he was sorry and that he had no idea.
This is not the reaction I want when I tell people I have a disabled sister and the word “retard” or “retarded” offends me. I came out of this situation looking overly sensitive and acted above him in the way that I was calling him out on his ignorance. What bothers me the most, though, is feeling like the only way to make my argument on why to not use this word is to use my sister as an example. My friends don’t stop using the word “retard” completely; they just stop using it when I’m around.
Here’s what I want people to understand: think about what you mean when you call someone “retarded” or a “retard.” I obviously find the term offensive, but when you're calling someone a "retard," as with any time you call someone a degrading name, you use it to be offensive.
The message reverberates for me and for anyone with a connection to someone with a developmental disability. If you knew my sister, Katie, you wouldn’t call me "retarded" and mean it as an insult. You wouldn’t say, “What are you, retarded?” You wouldn’t even use the word to sound self-deprecating, “I’m so retarded.” Try putting Katie's name in place of the word retard. Say, “That’s so Katie!” when someone really screws up.
But do you really need to know how awesome, incredible, and kind-hearted my sister is to remove "retarded" or "retard" from your vocabulary? Do you need a "Katie hug" or for her to draw you pictures or make you a card, just because that's what she loves to do for people? Wouldn’t it be enough to know that you no longer sound completely ignorant? I’d hope so.
