Daddy,

I’m not at all sure where to begin, but I’ll start by saying this: It’s been three years since your passing and you have crossed my mind every day since. I just finished my first semester of my sophomore year in college and it’s truly baffling how quickly this year has flown by. To be quite honest, it feels as though every year since I’ve lost you has hauled past my eyes at the speed of light. An immense amount has changed since I lost you, and I sometimes still look back in awe at my 15-year-old self, wondering how she did it. How she started fresh at a brand new school in the eleventh grade, how she attended senior prom and graduation, how she packed her possessions and took off to a university eight hours from home, and only one explanation comes to mind; she did it for you. Daddy, since the day I was born you were my best friend. You were the first man I ever loved, the most intelligent human being I knew, and, most of all, the most selfless and loving individual in my life. I could go on and on about how ethereal your soul was, but I’d be writing until my end. Your abrupt absence left me distraught for months, feeling as though my entire world had been flipped and beaten and battered. There was so much more I needed to say, so much more I felt I could have done, and yet, just like that, you were gone. With that being said, I feel the need to lift off my chest the words and feelings and thoughts that have been churning in my mind over the past three years, everything I wish I had said before I lost you.

I wish I had expressed how much I appreciated you. Through the highs and lows of my short life, you were the one person who constantly stood by my side, altruistically lending out your hand whenever I needed. You put my and everyone else’s priorities before your own, seeking our happiness and satisfaction first and foremost. You made sure I had everything I wanted despite how unreasonable or bratty I had been. Even through your sickness, you made sure my wants and needs were catered to before yours. Whether an extra hug here or a few more words of gratification there, I know I could have further shown my appreciation for you.

I wish I could have shown how thankful I was. You were the sole reason I acquired the ability to overcome the tremendous obstacles that stood before me. You taught me how to love, how to grow, and most of all, how to remain strong. These qualities amongst numerous others were instilled in me by you, showing me everyday how to better myself and others around me. You guided me effortlessly through the years we had together, educating me day in and day out the important lessons and true meanings of life, those of which I will remain to live by and will keep forever. I could not have fought through my battles, evolved as a person, or become the person I am now if it weren’t for you. And for this, I am eternally thankful.

I wish I proclaimed how much I admired you. From the day I took my first breath, you were my inspiration. You procured the wisdom of no one I had ever known, having an answer ready for whenever a question was bestowed. “But how did you know that?” I’d ask, after you had answered even the most ludicrous question, to which you would reply, “I know everything”. To this day I marvel at the fact that you really did know everything, whether I’d liked it or not. If it wasn’t your fascinating knowledge, however, it was how you so fluently engaged with everyone around you. You had the power of brightening up any room you walked into, your positive energy impacting all of those you interacted with, befriending anyone and everyone in your path. From being my Girl Scout troop’s designated cookie mom to creating the most elaborate of school projects for me, you exceled and progressed at everything you did, leaving me awestruck at your actions and capability. You were truly one of a kind, someone that no one could compare to.

I wish I had told you just how much I loved you. Over the course of the fifteen years I had been given with you, I noticed one quality of yours that stood out tremendously above all; your love. Your love was endless, unconditional, and constant. You spent every waking moment basking myself and others in your endearment, not once yearning for the same in return. The benevolence of your love proved your selflessness and mirrored the man you were. A part of me, however, wishes I had relinquished the love that you deserved. I wish I told you I loved you for allowing me to sleep in your bed with you up until I was seven. I wish I told you I loved you after you had accompanied me on the Mount Snow ski lift for about twenty times in a row, because I was too scared to go alone. I wish I told you I loved you when you had adopted a kitten for me, despite the rest of our family’s opinions. I wish I told you I loved you for tolerating my teenage rebellion, even if it meant picking me up from the Barclays Center after being kicked out of a concert or taking me – although with pure hesitation – to have my bellybutton pierced. I wish I told you I loved you for acquiring enough energy to join me on a few rollercoasters in Universal Studios, despite how lethargic I knew you had been. I wish I told you I loved you for how strong you remained throughout chemotherapy, keeping a smile on your face just so I would, too. I wish I told you I loved you for how long and hard you fought through your treatment, and for never giving up – not even for a split second. I wish I told you I loved you for how your determinism, passion, and zeal prevailed. Mostly, however, I wish I told you I loved you for being the most incredible, incomparable father to exist. To be able to call you my father, I am the luckiest woman in this world.

I love you, Daddy.

-Your Rani, Remy