I wish there was a way for you to understand what exactly it is that goes through my mind.

If you really knew how you made me feel; how worthless I feel when I talk to you, how little I feel that I matter, how much I wish I was enough for you to fight for me, would you change? Would we be any different?

Probably not.

Part of me believes every word you ever told me. You said that it was hard, being the way you are, to show me just what I mean to you. I understood you were different and I tried to understand the hardships in your mind. I reasoned with you for so long, defending you to my friends who probably always saw me as weak for falling into your trap. I guess in reality, I really was. But how could I help it? That was all that you gave me to believe in, all that I had to hold on to, and I was so in love with you that I believed anything.

I do believe that we once shared a love for each other, at least for a little while, a love that lifted me so high I felt like I had everything. Nothing bad in my life mattered anymore because I had you, and you made me feel so special and that I mattered so much to you. I never wanted to let go of that feeling. I had always thought that if two people are meant to be together, eventually they would find their way back (thank you Gossip Girl). I really believed it, though, and we did find our way back for a while and it was amazing. I told myself we were meant to be, that’s why we picked up so fast where we left off. It was amazing for a little bit. I worked up the courage to let you back in, realized that I loved you and believed you loved me too, and never would I think that somebody who loves you would do anything to hurt you. And I still believe in that.

That is exactly why I had to let you go. I don’t have a doubt in my mind that you were my first love. Part of me probably will always love you no matter how much pain I have gone through. But fighting for you has caused me to lose myself, I spend more than half my nights crying over you, but yet for some reason it is still so hard for me to let go. It is so difficult for me to shake you. But I am trying my hardest and I will get there.

And I know that you never deserved me. None of the chances I gave you should have been given, and I shouldn’t have been there for you when I know if I ever needed you, you probably wouldn’t actually be there. I never deserved to have one night of my life ruined by you. I never deserved to second guess myself. I am a strong girl and if I lost you once, I know I’ll be able to do it again. I’ve realized that somebody who loves me should never put themselves in a position where they could lose me. Somebody who loves me should not be okay with knowing something will make me upset, but doing it anyway. Somebody who loves me should be able to fight for me, not just let me go. I wish it didn’t take so long for me to realize this, and I wish more than anything that it made all of this easier.

But I know what I deserve, and I refuse to settle.

I think I started to notice it earlier than I’d like to admit. It was excuse after excuse, you can’t hang out with me for this reason, you’re busy doing this at this time, you might be with your family this day, no time for me at all. Then, it ended up being that you only loved me when you weren’t sober. That was the only time I felt anything from you, I believed that drunk words were sober thoughts, but now I think you were just telling me what I wanted to hear. I believe that you wanted somebody to keep around when you were bored. The thing is, the thought of you with somebody else makes me sick to my stomach. The thought alone is enough to make me wail with tears, forcing myself silence my crying so my roommate wouldn’t hear. The thing is, I thought that if I was there then nobody else would be. It’s hard to admit that I was that girl, because I turned into something that I never wanted to be. I deserve so much more than somebody who only wants me around when they’re drunk and I deserve so much more than somebody who can’t be straight up with how they feel about me. Yes, it would hurt, but if the feelings are gone, I would much rather you tell me than string me along.

I now know that you were never the person that I thought you were, and I regret every minute that I wasted loving you.

But yes, I loved you. I would continue to fight for you if I felt like I was getting it back in return, but I am killing myself through this. I know that I gave it my all, and realizing somebody gave up on will always make me feel not good enough, but also bad for you because you wasted that away. I think one of the simplest but best words of advice I ever gave was “It’s okay to love somebody but not be with them. Sometimes people are just no good for you.” I think about it often, and it assures me that I will be okay and I will make it through this. I know I will, right now it’s just hard to see. I lost you and I lost myself, but I will find myself again. You’ll realize what you had when you had it, but once you realize, I will be gone. I know someday somebody will treat me how I deserved to all along. Somebody will make me so happy that I’ll laugh so hard that I ever even wasted a single tear over somebody who didn’t deserve me. But by the time you realize this, I will be gone, and you will miss me when I am. I promise.