Now what?

It has taken me so long to write again because honestly, I didn't know what else to say. But now that we are a few days shy of FOUR months down, I am overwhelmed with emotions, (and life.)

Each day I feel a different emotion. Some days I am devastated, and feel like this rollercoaster will never end. Other days I am over the moon because of how far we have come! Some days it feels like the sun won't ever set, and some days it feels as tho the sun rose, I blinked, and it was another day down. Now I will say that there isn't a day that my stomach doesn't drop thinking about it. Thinking about what he's going through is enough to make me sick. But then he calls, or I get a letter, or I go visit him, and I can't believe how much he has already changed.

When Aaron left I truly was not sure if our relationship would last. I wanted it to, and so did he, but a year is a really long time... so much can happen in a year. The weeks leading up to him leaving were the longest and shortest of my life. Much like my days now, I felt one emotion one day and another the next. When I'd wake up & go through my day I would think, there's no way in hell I can spend a year of my life alone. Then at night as I'd crawl in bed with him, I thought to myself (and sometimes out loud,) there's no way in hell that I could ever lay here with someone else.

But now I crawl in bed alone. Every night I'm squished into our king size bed with two dogs, & a cat. (Occasionally, I wake up to find Amy there too, I'm not always exactly sure how she got there.) Every night I go through my phone looking at the million pictures we have taken together and the other million I've taken of just him, & I smile, then I cry, and then I cry harder, and eventually I fall asleep. Just to wake up and do it all again the next day.

Nowadays I get up at 5 AM, take our dogs out, feed them, make my coffee, ready through my notes, get dressed, take the dogs out again and leave for school. My new routine. The routine that I typically enjoy, until something goes wrong. Then I'm angry, and I curse about this, that and the other. But it all leads back to one thing. Aaron being locked up. Every single bad day that I have, I blame it on Aaron for being gone. "WELL IF YOU WERE HOME I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE." But it's true.. if he was home, I wouldn't be struggling for money, I could focus on school, I wouldn't feel so alone.. the list goes on. When he calls me on those days, I'm pissy from the moment my phone goes off. But within 10 minutes of the phone call, he has me calmed down, laughing & apologizing for being upset.

He is my number one fan, and that is easily my favorite thing about him. No matter why I'm upset, he always has the right words to say, even being locked in a 6x8 cell most of the day. Nursing school is kicking my ass 9 ways to Sunday. I cry more than I smile. So when I get to talk to/ see him, I typically cry about the tests I failed and how I feel like I'm never going to graduate. Somehow through the sobs he tells me how smart I am, and how I'm going to be an amazing nurse. He tells me that even if I fail, I can try again when he comes home so it's easier for me to focus on school and nothing else. After I tell him I'm never going to make it, he convinces me he will love me even if I decide I want to be a lunch lady.

While he has been gone, we surpassed our one year anniversary. A day that I wasn't ever sure we would see, was spent with me at school and him in prison. But the day after, I got a letter. In the letter, he told me that he can't wait to give me the wedding of my dreams. He said he's going to pimp out a Tahoe for me, and that we're going to move away from all the bullshit people that surround us here. He tells me he doesn't ever want to drink again, and how he doesn't want to see hardly any of his "friends" when he comes home. He wants it to be just us.

I didn't know I could cry happy and sad tears at the same time. Happy because of how much he has changed, but sad because he has seen everyone's true colors and it has left him with literally no one except me & our family.

When he left, all he cared about was having enough money to get drunk and go out to eat. He didn't care about groceries or the electric bill or having laundry detergent. But now all he talks about is coming home to cook dinner and sit at the dinner table. 2 nights before he left was the first and only time we have sat down at OUR dinner table just the two of us and ate a meal together. He talks about that dinner every time I see and/ or talk to him. It really is true when they say the little things in life mean the most.

As of August 18th, 2018, it will be 4 months since he Aaron has been in prison. He has already gotten "good time" and gets to come home in March instead of April! Hopefully he can get even more! (For those of you reading this, prayers for an even earlier release would mean the world.) He now has a "job" doing outside work, which means he gets out of his cell just as much as he is in it, which may not seem like a lot.. but trust me, it is. He is in school to get his GED (even more good time when he passes!!!) He goes to AA meetings twice a week to help him with his drinking. He goes anger management meetings three times a week. All of these things, you have to write letters to counselors to be approved for admittance to the programs. He did those things on his own, without pressure from me. He has completely transformed into the person I always knew he could be. Sometimes I can't even believe it.

A lot has changed in these 4 months, but the one thing that hasn't is how I feel about that man. Well I guess in all honesty, that has changed too. Had you asked me 5 ago if I thought me and Aaron would last forever, I'd laugh and say 'Hell, I doubt it.' But if you'd ask me now? There's not a single doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Maybe he needed prison. Maybe WE needed prison. Although he is in there unjustly, it has certainly made him a better man. It has made him appreciate life & freedom. It's made him appreciate me. It sucks now, but in the long run, maybe it'll all be for the best.