I never thought growing up that I would be a child of divorce. I had seen so many of my friends who had divorced parents spend weekends with their fathers, have their parents argue over custody of them and I have seen the toll it takes mentally on the child and on the family as a whole. As a child of divorce you often feel that your parents' divorce is your fault, you feel guilty. Maybe if I had been an easier child this would not have happened, maybe if I had listened to my parents more often they wouldn't be getting divorced.
Growing up my parents relationship with one another wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, it was definitely difficult. The two of my parents had conflicting personalities that would clash constantly and cause an outpour of emotions seen, heard and felt. My parents tumultuous relationship ended when I was a freshman in college. I knew that they were getting divorced, that part I could live with, but the circumstances surrounding their divorce was something that I will feel forever. I feel that my parents getting divorced when I was 18 rather than eight resonates with me more.
When you are eight years old you really do not understand why daddy and mommy "hate each other" or why "daddy moved out of the house." All you know is you will see him every other weekend as promised and the quality time you spend together is a rare treat. At 18 you know the circumstances of your parents divorce and you're not spared any of the gory details, the custody battles, the arguments, the constant in and out of court, losing your childhood home because your parents cannot agree on keeping it. It becomes all too real for you, and it consumes your everyday life, so much so you feel like collateral damage to someone else's mess. Often times you'll alienate yourself, you will not want to talk about it no matter how much poking and prodding everyone does. It's still raw. You envisioned for yourself a happy home in which your mother and father love each other, your siblings, and you and it's constantly happy. That idea was snatched from you in your formative years that you live with the insecurity that you will one day be divorced too.
I never wanted to be a child of divorce, but here I am and I do not wish anything different. My parents divorce has taught me a number of things. The first thing it taught me is that you have to wait for the right one. My parents were married after ten months of dating each other at the age of 23 and 24. I could not imagine being married in a year or so. Waiting to get married to someone you think is the one will show you sides of them you've never seen before, or gives you the first hand experience of how they will treat you as a spouse. It also gives you both extra time to know each other: what makes them angry, what makes them happy, what they are like when they are experiencing those emotions. It's a true test of if you are meant to be together.
The second thing my parents' divorce taught me is never to idolize another person's relationship. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
The third thing my parents' divorce taught me was that I was stronger than I thought I was and that the only person who can get you through the hard times is yourself. In my adolescence I was never met with this kind of adversity. I felt that my whole world had crumbled. But I am still here, resilient as ever. My parents' divorce also taught me that it is okay to seek professional help, and to rely on close friends and family for support. Especially friends who know that you are coming from a place of hurt and resentment.
The fourth thing my parents' divorce taught me is that your opinions on marriage MAY change, ALOT, and that's okay. Its okay for your opinions on marriage to change, but it is not okay to keep yourself guarded and to potentially keep yourself from finding "the one." The infamous "the one" will change your opinions on everything and make you believe again.
The last thing that my parents' divorce taught me is that there is a life after. It may take a long period of time, or it may take a short period of time, wounds will heal. You cannot hold on to hurt and resentment, those feelings are visitors, let them come, and let them go. Do not let them take up residence in your head and make it a home for unhappy thoughts.
