Note: Please if any actual hiring professionals are seeing this, I am not mocking your jobs or putting you down. I also hope you see that I am trying to make light of my own anxiety when actively seeking a job, and understand that after typing out countless cover letters I am starting to question my sanity. I'm sure you actually feel the same way by reading through countless cover letters and resumes. I also use humor and laughter to reduce my stress. This is an article that is supposed to be comical and sarcastic and does not reflect my actual workplace attitude. I genuinely enjoy my field of study.

I’m not exactly sure what inspired me to pull up my resume on my computer to update it and then start searching for jobs. I feel like it may have something to do with the recent election and the fact that if Donald Trump doesn’t need political experience to run a country, then maybe I should just go for jobs I might not have enough experience for too.

It also might be because I spend a lot of money on gas and precious sleep time for my one hour commute. Oh, and the fact that I got my human services degrees for a reason, and I’d really like to put them to good use.

However, I really just hate the whole application process. Giving someone a compact list showing all of the places I have worked and talking about myself isn’t exactly the most motivating way to find a job. I just wish I could skip the formalities and meet with the hiring supervisors to prove to them that I am much more than degrees and certifications spewed onto a fancy piece of paper.

But, I know it’s all a necessary evil. I have even improved my cover letter writing skills, but the commentary in my head is what really gets me through the whole ordeal. Maybe I just think I’m too funny (can that go on the resume?).

I decided to share a more light-hearted topic: what I really want my cover letters to say to these agencies I’m basically begging to hire me. Honestly, I feel like the hiring supervisors would also enjoy the honesty. Looking at hundreds of applications and letters of boastful twenty-somethings sounds pretty boring.

Acacia LC

Address (the real reason you want my address is to judge whether I will be reliably punctual. I don’t blame you for that. It’s cool)

Phone # (so I can sit and wait weeks hoping to get a call, wondering what went wrong)

Email (I had to make a new one because my old one was from high school, embarrassing)

To The Director Of Human Resources (This is used if the listing doesn’t give a specific name, also I didn’t know if it would look creepy using your name that I definitely found on Google):

Please accept this letter and attached resume for the Whatever open position in Whichever Town. Seriously, please accept it. Just humor me and read it. I’m actually begging you.

The accomplishments in my field and academics (I think making it through 4+ years of school, after 12-13 years of school is seriously accomplishment enough) will prove to be assets to this highly reputable company (I looked at your website for a second and it looked nice, so it has to be a great company. Also, I’m desperate and will suck up in any way I can).

My human services background has allowed me to gain a high level of professionalism within unpredictable, fast-paced environments. (I think anyone who gets through years worth of retail and/or food service deserves a medal. Arguably some of the most brutal jobs out there).

This is the part that I talk about my unpaid internship, where I learned how to work so hard I barely had time to sleep. This is also the point where you see how much responsibility I had as an intern, for zero dollars.

You possibly consider me a fitting candidate, partially because I’ll be more likely to accept a very low salary. This may be true. Again, I am desperate (but I hope you can’t tell too much because I’m hoping I can keep some of my dignity intact).

However, you might also still take into consideration the amount of experience I have compared to other applicants, so hopefully I don’t need to take up too much valuable company time for training.

Now, I share my current employment (if it is relevant to the position I am applying for).

I will tell you how much I have learned from my job in a residential facility while you will be wondering why I am looking for other employment, if I already have a stable job. However, my hope is that you look beyond the cover letter and make the connection from my resume that I drive an hour into a different state just to remain employed.

I also wish I could be honest in saying that I am so over working weekends. I have worked weekends most of my life. I want to do fun things, like sleep, snuggle the cat, binge watch new shows on Netflix, go on breakfast dates with Dom (breakfast dates are my favorite kind of dates), and maybe have time to organize my apartment and do some purging of unnecessary things. I admit my intentions may be a little selfish, but I am also genuinely interested in the position I am applying for. If I weren’t interested then I wouldn’t be applying.

This could be the part where I explain additional academic success or other activities unrelated to work experience. I guess it depends how confident I am after explaining my work experience in two paragraphs. This is also the moment where I start reaching. I explain that the opinion articles I write for an online platform have given me enough experience to do all clinical, professional paperwork perfectly (I mean, I personally see my articles as proof of my writing abilities).

I also might slip in the fact that I have fantastic people skills because of my journey through Europe (in reality I was so undecided as to where I wanted my career path to take me that I ran away for two months to “find myself”). But, I hope you see that as “she got it out of her system, so now she can promise to stay put”.

Finally, I get to let the weird shame of selling myself (on paper) wash away by pleading one more time to you, the hiring supervisor, to just give me a chance.

By the end of the letter, I have actually convinced myself that I am so undeniably the perfect candidate for this job, that I must have convinced the agency to hire me on the spot. I feel like these applications are making me a bit too narcissistic, but I’ll keep using the rush of hope I feel to power me through 20 more cover letters and applications (this is not an exaggeration, considering I sent more than that back when I was unemployed).

I appreciate the time you spent scanning my cover letter to decide whether reviewing my resume was even worth any more time out of your day. I hope I sounded professional enough and you couldn’t tell exactly how desperate I am for a regular day job that allows me to truly experience the pure joy of a normal work schedule. Please, help me out here. I am begging you. Hire me. Now, I type out my phone number and email one more time just in case you forgot it was at the top of the page.

Sincerely,

Acacia LC (please blame my hippie parents for naming me after a tree)

p.s. –help me I’m poor