I’ve had many people ask me what more could have been done in my life to protect me from the abuse I suffered at the hands of so many. They have asked, “What more could I, as an outsider, have done?” and “What can I do now, knowing your story, to help those who may be in similar situations to what you grew up in?”
My response has often included the following:
First off, ask the child what is happening at home. Be involved in the child’s life.
Below are some questions that can be asked of a child to discover a little more of what is happening at home.
How are things at home?
This is a good starting place. It’s a very open ended question that allows the child to express what is happening within the four walls of their home. It also allows the child to see that you are expressing interest in their life, something that often does not happen in the lives of abused children.
I would give anything to have had one teacher, one friend, one adult ask me “What’s going on at home?” or “How are things at home?” Only one teacher did. One teacher. That’s it. Just one.
The response I gave her that day was very broad and very vague, but had someone done a little more prying, I probably would have spilled the beans, right then and there. But she left it alone.
Are mom and dad getting along?
Yes, I understand that parents have their moments, but if there is domestic violence between the parents, there might also be physical abuse directed at the children.
Also, just because the parents are not getting along does not mean there is abuse. This question can be a question you ask to earn the trust of children before asking them a harder question.
Are you and your parents getting along?
Again, parents and children do not get along 100% of the time. I currently live in a very stable environment where there is not much arguing, but there are moments when we argue. Despite this, there is always resolution with a loving hug in the end.
If the child says no, pry a little deeper. See if you can figure out why the child and his/her parents are not getting along. What is the source of the strife?
How are you and your parents handling this?
In young children, ask them what it looks like to “get in trouble”. In older children, ask them what it looks like to be disciplined.
There is a difference in discipline and abuse. Here are a few ways that I found that are spot on:
Unpredictability: The child never knows what is going to set the parent off. There are no clear boundaries or rules. The child is constantly walking on eggshells, never sure what behavior will trigger a physical assault.
Lashing out in anger: Physically abusive parents act out of anger and the desire to assert control, not the motivation to lovingly teach the child. The angrier the parent, the more intense the abuse.
Using fear to control behavior: Parents who are physically abusive may believe that their children need to fear them in order to behave, so they use physical abuse to “keep their child in line.”
Second, let them know you will protect them.
This is key.
Children who have been abused often feel that their lives are out of control. They don’t know what today holds much less what the next week holds. Many are scared terrified they will end up in the system so they follow in the steps of the unspoken family rule that they will never ever say a word about what is happening in their homes.
Children need to know that you are safe, that if they confide in you, you will protect them with all you have within you.
It’s what I needed to hear the day I talked to the social worker—she promised she would protect me and that I would not have to spend one more day in my bio parent’s home.
She was the first person who ever promised to protect me if I confided in her about the circumstances in my home. This gave me the ability to tell her a lot of what was happening.
Most importantly, love on them.
This is honestly a tricky one because children who have been abused expect anything but love from those who are involved in their lives. This is especially tricky for those who have been sexually abused due to the fear of another person abusing them in this fashion.
Let them see God’s infinite love through you.
Jesus loved the least of these, the ones no one else would love.
Be an example of Jesus, but don’t replace Jesus. He alone is the Savior, Rescuer, and Redeemer. Don’t attempt to be the child’s savior.
Express your love to them in a healthy way (i.e. Is it appropriate in said relationship to say “I love you” or will a side huge suffice?)
If you do discover that the child is being abused, let the child know that you love him/her and that you’re going to do what it takes to move them to a safe environment. (love and protection often go hand-in-hand).
Last but not least, do NOT be a secret keeper.
If a child tells you that they are being abused, but asks you to promise to not tell anyone, DON’T do it!
This part is scary. Very scary. If you suspect a child is being abused or a child confides in you that they are being abused, take action immediately. The longer you wait, the longer the child suffers.
If you are a mandated reporter, follow the steps that you typically would according to policy (whether that be work, school, church or wherever). If you are not a mandated reporter, you still have the right to report any suspected or known abuse. Call DFCS (Department of Family and Children Services) sooner rather than later.
Ultimately, there are things you as an outsider can do to keep children safe. The question, though, is, “Are you willing?”
