"I love you."
It's one of the most uttered phrases across all languages. Parents and children say, "I love you" before bedtime. Romantic lovers exchange these words (often nervously at first), on an evening stroll through the park. Best friends who experience a disagreement reassure their loyalty to one another with this phrase. In fact, most people blurt out "I love you" without thinking twice about the meaning behind those words.
However, after experiencing an unhealthy relationship myself and watching too many friends do the same, I have discovered that "I love you" might not mean what we think it means. While these three words are the most direct way of confessing deep feelings to one another, they are frequently used to manipulate, persuade or bargain with others when they were never intended to do so.
Here are a few things "I love you" doesn't mean:
1. "I love you" does not mean I will say "yes" to everything.
Parents probably understand this principle the best. Just because they refuse to let their kids eat McDonald's for every meal does not mean they don't love them. In fact, it is actually because the parents love their children so much that they say "no." Parents know what is best for their kids and they must say no to some things (such as fast food), in order to give them something better. This something better could be a nutritious dinner that will aid healthy growth.
Similarly, in friendships, we often shy away from saying "no" to our friends for fear of hurting them or losing their friendship. However, saying "yes" to a friend who asks for yet another loan or favor, yet who remains in debt, can actually enable their poor behavior and perpetuate the cycle--hurting them more in the long run. It is important to recognize when saying "no" communicates love more effectively than saying "yes" to every whim.
2. "I love you" does not mean I will never disappoint or hurt you.
We are all human beings, flawed and imperfect, capable of making mistakes and falling short of expectations. Yet, for some reason, when someone says "I love you" to us, we tend to assume they will never let us down. While this reasoning is clearly irrational, but we often make this assumption unconsciously.
However, it is also necessary to recognize when someone could be using "I love you" as a way to excuse their continuous poor or hurtful behavior. If a boy repeatedly cheats on his girlfriend, yet earns her back every time by saying "I love you, I'm sorry," then this love is not genuine, but rather a form of manipulation for personal gain. "I love you" should be self-sacrificing, not for self-benefit.
3. "I love you" does not mean I will be with you forever.
While this is one of the most unsettling realities, it is true and must be acknowledged. "I love you" is meant to be a phrase said with passion and commitment. When the passion overshadows the commitment, "I love you" can eventually lead to heartbreak. This principle specifically applies to romantic relationships, but it can also apply to friendships and parental relationships, especially when a divorce occurs. Additionally, if someone says "I love you" and then walks out of your life, it does not necessarily mean that they didn't mean it. Life happens, changes occur and love can fluctuate. I agree that love is a choice not an emotion, but it is also not always a promise of eternal commitment.
In conclusion, "I love you" is a phrase that should be communicated with intention, seriousness, and commitment. However, humans are flawed and thus our words might not always mean what we want them to mean. With that said, I hope you do not begin questioning everyone who says "I love you." Rather, I hope you are challenged to evaluate the indirect meanings you personally associate with it and use this powerful phrase wisely in every relationship.
Lastly, here's my two cents on saying "I love you" in romantic relationships:
Before either of you decide to solidify your feelings toward one another with these three words, discuss openly what love means to both of you. If you are both on the same page about what exactly you are communicating with that phrase, you will be much less likely to hurt or confuse one another in the future.
