When my sister passed away about a year ago, it left my family’s emotions in shambles. We relied heavily on God for strength and relied on our friends for encouragement, but nothing could have prepared us for the journey that we would have to endure for the rest of our lives.

My sister Rachel was 18 when she died. She was ultimately taken because of cardiac failure after a double heart valve replacement surgery, but this all happened because of the rare genetic disease, called Hurler Sydrome

She was one of my best friends. Because we were only 18 months apart, we had formed a close bond over the years.

When I needed to vent, she was always the go to person because she would listen. She loved juicy gossip and I knew she didn’t know the people I was talking about so she wouldn’t tell anyone. Hearing about all her school drama was fun too. It always felt good to give her advice on friends, boys and classes. Since I went through it too, it was nice to help her.

Whenever I needed to run to the store, she would always hop in the car and go with me, but only if I promised her a stop at Turkey Hill for a slushy.

We would spend hours playing Bratz dolls together. Along with Jordan, my older sister, we would create extravagant plot lines, characters and scenarios and play with the same characters for months, just expanding on the story. These are the most cherished times because we all got to be together.

Losing your sister sucks, let me tell you.

Being at school feels surreal. I went months at a time without seeing her anyway, so it never really felt like she was gone. And sometimes it still doesn’t.

Then it hits you. She’s gone, and she’s never coming back. You never get to spend time with her anymore. Your lifelong buddy is no longer there to do the little things. She’s not going to be there to run to the store with you, or to chat with you, or to call you to check up on you. Her ever-annoying calls, four times a day, just stop.

In my case, I always had a pretty big family. Right after my sister passed, my older sister got married. My three siblings living at home quickly shrunk to one. Although I still have my family, it feels lonely sometimes.

No one knows exactly what you’re going through and death makes people very uncomfortable.

I know that my sister is in Heaven running around and enjoying her life with Jesus, but it usually still hurts. I know it’s going to hurt for a while and I’ll never truly get over it. People keep telling me that it will get better, but as it’s going, I feel worse now than ever. It’s truly hitting me that she’s gone and not coming back. Not that it hasn’t before, but my grief is changing.

I felt so numb for the first 11 months of her being gone. Now that the year is coming to a close, it’s harder. After this year is over, we’ll have to spend the 2^nd of every holiday without her. Being without her is the new normal and I don’t want it to be.

I don’t want to forget about her, but I don’t want to rehash my sadness any longer. Time is said to be the only thing to get over your grief but I think I disagree. For me, I think I need to take charge of my grief and no longer let it control me. Rachel is gone, but I’m not. This may seem selfish, but I need to decide to live my life, in memory of her, not in mourning of her.

It’s going to be hard for a while, but it’s a process. I find my strength from my family, friends and most importantly through God. I can’t do it alone, and I know that I don’t have to.