"My mind is absolutely blown by how much this man is willing to fight for me. I want to love him the way he loves me. I want to be with him and maybe even marry him. Will my love for him grow now that I realize how much he loves me? Does that gut feeling only exist when he's not around? Is he the one? Is there such a thing as "the one"? How can I walk away from such a strong love? I do love him. Do I love him enough?"

This was the journal entry I wrote the day I first tried to break up with the greatest boyfriend I had ever had. It was such an emotional roller coaster because this breakup was beyond any breakup I ever thought I would have to go through. I was leaving a wonderful man who treated me like a queen. I'm crazy right? I know this all too well. My whole life I dated guys I was crazy for and they would be crazy for me... for a little while. Then, his feelings for me would dissipate or he would screw up in some heartbreaking way and the relationship would collapse. I would be a mess and cry and wonder if I'd ever meet a man who would treat me right. And I did.

This man was friendly and kind, hilarious, intelligent, handsome, and respectful. He was patient through my mood swings and accepting of my faults. I fell for his love for me intensely. I thought I had found what I'd been looking for all these years.

When it comes to relationships you always hear people say, "it's not all about looks" and "its not all about the butterflies you feel" and "it takes more than love to keep a relationship going." But I am here to tell you, it is not all about the qualities you've written on a piece of paper either. Even though this man was everything I'd hope for and more, there was still something huge missing. Something no one should have to live without. A spark. That tingling gut feeling you get every time you look in their eyes and a voice screams, "YES! He's my forever! He is the one!"

I never felt that with him but since he was such a great man and an amazing boyfriend I pushed that thought out of my mind and continued on with the relationship. But you can't lie to yourself forever, you can't trick your mind into thinking you're satisfied, and you can't allow yourself to settle either. After finally opening up to a close friend about my situation she told me to write him a letter and read it to him over the phone. Now, I don't believe in breaking up in any form except in person but I knew I had to do it this way. He had such a strong hold on me, he was so in love with me I felt I owed him my love back. That was why I was still with him but I was so tired of feeling obligated to be with someone. That's not love. I did what I felt was best.

So I called him and read him the letter and he immediately began to break down... and so did I. Just the thought of knowing my words were crushing his heart absolutely destroyed me. I knew I was doing the right thing yet it felt so evil of me. I didn't understand why I was being put through this. I had been through some bad breakups before but nothing even touched the surface of this pain. I was the villain. I was the heartbreaker. I wanted so bad for him not to care too much...it was literally killing me. Every question he had I felt I could not justly give an answer. I felt lower than dirt and I just kept apologizing. But there was nothing I could do to console him.

Long story short he began to convince me I was just having a bad day, that I didn't mean it, that I was just afraid and I would regret this. And because I loved him, I agreed, and I stayed. And that's when I wrote the journal entry. Sparing all the torturous details, we dated for four more months and I tried to break up with him three more times before I finally walked away for good. People may think that's insane of me to stay with someone I obviously didn't want to be with but you have to understand, when a man adores you and needs you and has done absolutely nothing wrong. It can be hard to justify a breakup. And he never once said to me, "if you don't want to be here, just leave." All he wanted from me was my love and for me to stay. I felt trapped, I felt like a terrible human being, I felt unworthy of anyone else, and I felt trapped.

It was one of the darkest times of my life and even though leaving and breaking his heart was the worst part of it all. I slowly began to feel free again. I no longer felt like my future was set in stone. I felt the possibilities were endless and maybe I could find someone who made me feel the sparks I'm so determined to find. This experience taught me so much about honesty, relationships, and true love. Your soulmate doesn't have to be a perfect man out of a Nicholas Sparks book, he doesn't need to meet all the requirements on your list, you don't have to be in agreement twenty four seven. All you need is that beautiful reassuring voice that says, "yes, he is the one".

And maybe there isn't such a thing as a soulmate or "the one." And maybe I'm out here chasing the end of a rainbow. But even if that's so I think I'll be okay because the most magical feeling in the world isn't even true love...it's hope. And I'll never give up hope.