Dating can be fun. It can be an exciting moment to meet someone new and exchange information and stories with one another. Dating creates a giddy feeling of anticipation about meeting a potential significant other. However, at times, dating can also be somewhat disheartening. Take it from someone who used to be somewhat of a “serial dater.” I would be on a date with someone every two or every other week. I landed many first dates, some second dates, and an exceedingly small number of third dates. I found myself scratching my head over why I wasn’t getting any further than three dates. I began feeling hopeless about finding a relationship. Also, having close friends and colleagues talk about their year-long relationships further disenchanted me from going on any more dates. I wanted to give up for a while. So I did.
I took the necessary steps to eliminate any temptation to “get myself back out there.” I deleted every online dating app or account from my phone or laptop. I even went as far as to respond to offers with “it’s currently not a priority.” After a whole year and having been on only one date during that time, I learned many illuminating aspects of dating that I had not known prior.
1. It’s easy for us to fall into the lure of wanting validation.
It felt good to meet up for coffee and have someone tell me that they found me interesting. Being told “wow, that’s really interesting” or “you’re really attractive” validated my self-worth. For a while it felt good. However, taking time off from dating allowed me to reflect on what it was I was actually gaining from dates. In reality, people found the image that I had been painting for myself interesting. They had been experiencing my front stage self; a guise to my backstage (real) self. This is not to say that dates are surface level encounters that result in two or more individuals falling for what is simply on the outside. But the reality of dating is that people may only see snippets of your complete identity if we’re embarrassed about revealing our more intimate details. We then may seek validation for the guise that we wear and are inadvertently constructing an idea of ourselves that may not match our true selves.
2. As a society we have constructed precisely defined means toward attaining happiness.
There may not be too much surprise to this one. We are told from a very young age that having a great career, achieving great amounts of wealth, receiving an education, and developing close interpersonal relationships are all key to achieving happiness in life. We are also told, and are even expected, to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have children. It, however, implies that you can’t achieve happiness as a single adult.
A single individual may not be any less happy than someone who is in a committed relationship. I can be happy if I chose to be happy. I learned that I can direct myself to happiness in other ways. Spending more time with my friends and family, learning something new, making new friends, investing time in a project or taking up a hobby, to name a few. It allowed me to become more simplistic with how I seek out happiness and it made achieving happiness a lot easier.
3. We’re motivated by our fear of being alone.
Relationships do indeed have the potential to be fun, loving and meaningful. Though, as independent people who set their own goals and make their own decisions, it is exceptionally difficult to meet someone, simultaneously fall in love with one another, and stay in love with one another through both thick and thin. As I previously mentioned, it can be disheartening when you are the only single member of your friend group or when you constantly receive the question “So why aren’t you dating anyone?” or “Do you have any plans on getting married anytime soon?” (That last one especially if you were born into a strong Eastern European culture). The word “alone” begins to hurt our self-esteem and can almost feel like an insult when used in a joking manner.
Our fear of being alone is a validated fear. It’s a painful feeling that no individual wants to endure. The association of loneliness with the word “single” has left many with fear. However, being single does not imply that you are lonely. Loneliness is existing without connection. One can find themselves married, with children, and have plenty of “friends” and acquaintances and yet still feel miserably lonely. Whereas, someone who is single, has a few close friends and family members, may feel intensely connected with their loved ones and the world. Connection is a matter of reciprocity. In order to escape the feeling of loneliness, I learned to deepen the relationships with the meaningful people I do have and with the acquaintances I have not tried before. It allowed me to learn and appreciate people who are already there and want to be around me.
4. We’re led to believe that we’re doing something wrong when we’re not dating.
Questions like “oh, are you seeing anyone?” or remarks such as “I don’t see how you’re single, you’re such a catch” can make anyone feel a little uneasy, especially when they seem to be things people are always saying to you. Truthfully, I like to think that I am diverting my attention and focus on to aspects of my life that I believe are more important. My current priorities are completing my bachelor’s degree, getting into medical school, completing my research project, devoting time to my fraternity, working, and spending adequate time with my friends and family.
My commitments don’t often leave me with much down time and that usually leaves me with little to no time for myself. “Me” time is a rare commodity. Though, whenever I do acquire a sufficient amount of time for myself, I like to utilize it solely for myself. We all need a little time to disconnect from the rest of the world. I don’t necessarily feel bad when I use my small accumulations of free time for myself. Some may see this as selfish and they’re not totally wrong. Yet, I can't help but feel uneasy when it comes to talking about dating because others have found it odd that I don't make dating a priority. It had left some thinking that I’m unable to commit. To be quite frank, other people aren’t in my shoes. It’s easy for others to say “well, I have time, why don’t you? Don’t you want to be happy?” A response I’ve learned to give was “this is my life and you don’t live it, nor do you quite understand it.”
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With these lessons in mind, I hope that you, the reader, may be able to see that we are more than the dating encounters we have. Although dating might be trendy, cool or even fun, it’s fine if you don’t want to do it. When you or I do decide to go on another date, because most likely we will at some point, I hope that we can approach dating with a fresh set of eyes and refined set of expectations.
