I never really thought about what it was like to leave someone. Probably because I was always on the other side of the “end” as the one being left instead of the one leaving. I wish I could say it was liberating, or somehow empowering, as if this one break up had returned all my previously stolen dignity. But it was just as bad as being left, maybe even harder. Perhaps because when you're the one to leave, you have all the power to come back. When you are the one to be left, there is not much you can do but wait and hope that your loved one changes their mind. When you leave, it is entirely up to you with what happens next and that is a frightening concept to come to terms with.
As I walked away from him, I cried with regret. To this day, I don’t know if I regretted it because I feared losing him or because I regret the responsibility it entailed. At that moment, I couldn’t blame him for anything, not anymore. Whatever happened to us from then on, was on me. I knew for a fact that it hurt me to hurt him but I was too selfish to sacrifice my happiness to stay with him, so I kept on walking. As I drove home in tears, I realized this is exactly how so many of those who left me must have felt as they walked away from me. In that moment, I recognized myself as him and he as me and that made me so much more dismal. I had become those who hurt me, despite all my efforts. Nonetheless, that realization helped me understand, and in a way forgive, the men from my past. I had spent so much time after those break ups trying to figure out a way to make them come back or to at least make them regret leaving me, without realizing that they probably did regret it as soon as they walked away. This is when I realized why some of them came back despite having left in the first place. And when I visualized myself crawling back to him, I realized why some never come back; because even as I drove home crying, full of regret, I knew I didn’t want to go back.
When the itch to call him persisted, I realized why some crawl back without intentions to stay. For once I understood it, and forgave those who had tricked me. At that moment, I understood that they didn’t always trick me out of malice but out of selfishness. It was the itch to come back that brought them back to me, but their mind set on leaving me that never allowed them to stay. That’s how I was feeling. I didn’t want him, but I didn’t want him to ever stop wanting me, and that was selfish.
Days passed and I missed him more that I thought I would, but as soon as I would type up a text to send him, I would delete it. I pictured us together and half of me ached but the other felt free. I felt the constant need to call him simply because I wanted to make sure that if I realized I had made a mistake, I still had the chance to fix it, but the more time passed the less likely it seemed. I remember as I broke up with him, how he stood his ground and I loved him so much more for that, he didn’t let me be selfish with his heart; something I had always failed to protect. I thought back to all the times I allowed men to be selfish with my heart and how at the end it didn’t work out anyway. I came to see that it was because I didn’t stand my ground like he did.
Being on the other side of the break up, was eye-opening for me. It didn’t feel half as good as I thought it would. And the more I thought about it, the more I related to those who had broken my heart. It made me upset to realize I was now one of them in somebody’s story but I couldn’t help it. My heart wanted to go back, but my feet didn’t move. And to this day, I still miss him and I still love him, but I still don’t want to be with him.
