When you hear that someone was in an abusive relationship, most people automatically picture a beaten and battered girlfriend too scared to move. However, that isn’t always the case. My boyfriend never laid his hands on me. To everyone else he was an amazing boyfriend, buying me coffee and flowers, opening the door for me, but behind closed doors he was different. Behind closed doors he was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive.

It was the worst year of my life and I came out the other side with major issues, some that I still haven’t gotten over. But even though my relationship tore me apart it also taught me a lot.

1. The words “I love you” don’t always mean much.

I always believed that when someone said those words they always meant them. That isn’t always the case. Sometimes people use those words to trick you into staying or to soften the blow of the abuse. Don’t trust someone just because they say they love you.

2. Mental scars hurt just as much as physical ones.

He never laid his hands on me yet I was in constant pain. The anxiety, fear, depression, and shame that comes with verbal abuse hurts just as much as a blow to the cheek.

3. You will always care about them no matter what.

No matter how much you hate them for what they did to you you can never stop loving them. They were such a big part of your life. Toxic or not, you were in love and love doesn’t go away. But that’s okay. It’s okay to still love them. It means you are still human, and they can never take that from you.

4. Seeing them move on will hurt you more than you care to admit.

I would love to say that when I found out my ex had gotten engaged to the very women he had cheated on me with that I didn’t care, but I did. A lot. I felt like I shouldn’t care what he was doing or that he found someone else to prey on but I did. There will always be a part of me that still craves his attention because there was a big period of time where I relied on that attention to function. Old habits die hard.

5. Time really does heal.

Will the scars ever disappear? Of course not. You could see them 20 years down the road and your heart would still start to race. You would still brace for the rage. But you will become you again. Eventually, their hold will loosen and you will be able to go a whole day without thinking about them, then a whole week, then a whole month. You just have to wait.

6. You deserve better.

It takes a long time to heal and you will probably feel like you deserved what was happening to you. You don’t. No one does. No matter what type of abuse is happening no one deserves to be treated like that by someone they love and cherish. There is someone out there who will treat you right.