As this semester was becoming one that I knew would take a bunch of work, I knew that I had to cut out being a writer for the Odyssey :(. It was such a hard decision for me to make, but I just knew I couldn't make up content because of how focused I was. Being away from the Odyssey, I felt that I could really focus on school, but little did I know that I would face so many other obstacles...

Around the end of January, I had gotten into my first college relationship and it felt that things were all going right; that was something I'd been praying for for a long time, and he was a STEM major just like I was, so I thought this was God's way of saying that this was His plan to make me prosper in life. But, this semester in general I found extremely difficult, and the main reason for that was that I was taking Organic Chemistry II, and for some reason, I just couldn't get it. I had done everything I'd done in the past: go to Sanger tutoring, watch Khan Academy videos, make sure that I wasn't stressing too hard, go over my professor's notes, etc., but every test made me feel so defeated. Also, the relationship I was in just made me feel so complacent and apathetic to everything happening around me. I'd been crying so often, and I just didn't really know why, and it was such an awful feeling. I felt awful to be in this relationship because I felt that I was just faking a smile when in reality, I felt so numb to everything. My schoolwork all just piled on top of each other, and I had such a problem with procrastinating more than I had in the past, and I'm not even sure why exactly.

So, one day, after talking to my church friends who had similar experiences that I did and also to my mom, I realized it was God telling me that he wanted me to rely only on Him. I'd always been a surface-level Christian in a sense; I was in a Christian sorority on campus called Sigma Phi Lambda, where I had become a prayer group leader (PGL) of other amazing girls that I have the privilege to call my sisters in Christ, and I had joined a missional community (MC) at the church The Austin Stone Community Church, but I knew I had never truly declared myself to Him, and sometimes, He uses such wonderful people to get you to realize this.

Unfortunately, that didn't end very well, and some tensions are still present, but I did learn how to turn my confusion and misguidance around! When talking to my rhetoric professor, I told him that I was having such a difficult time turning in assignments and I needed some extensions. He had asked what was wrong, and I told him that the rest of my classes were just so tough this semester, and he reminded me that I tend to be a person who likes to finish all of one assignment before moving on to the next one, even if that ends up taking many hours. Because of this, I was determined to make a schedule for myself, where I did about 30 minutes to one hour of work for each class, and it worked out so much better for me!

Another sign I saw from Him had been while attending the Austin Stone at their 9 a.m. service, where the pastor's main takeaway message was that even if we feel that we're failing and there are so many obstacles in our way, and we really want to give up, He will never let us fall. His unending grace and love will always be there to comfort us and guide us. It's always been so easy for me to forget that, because I've always been someone who felt that they could only really count on themselves to get things done, and being an only child who has to do so many new things on her own has been stressful for me (i.e. I have awful spending habits). But, I've been doing more Bible plans and I've been journaling and just trying to have a positive attitude in everything and caring more about my mental health and doing things that I hope will guarantee my success in the future.

Because of this, I was able to plan more time around my schedule for classes as well as do things that will help me unwind. I eventually ended up dropping the Ochem course, but that's how some things go I guess. However, I found that something I had deeply missed was the privilege of writing for the Odyssey, so here I am, writing to the viewers I may have, or even just to myself. Something that's remained constant in my life is having a mentality of doing things for myself and never for anyone else; although I may face some vulnerability and uncertainty, I'm ultimately put back on the right track. I just love knowing that I'm able to share my own feelings with another platform, because I find it very comforting and therapeutic to see that I was able to see and reflect how I was really feeling. If my writings can also help others and encourage others to talk to me, that would also be super awesome!

All in all, I'm so so blessed and thrilled to be writing again for the UT Austin chapter of the Odyssey, because I feel so much creative freedom here, which really does better my own mental health.