I visited some friends at my old college the last Wednesday night, and the more I walked through Wentz Hall and re-walked the pathways of North Central, I got to thinking of my ex. At first it hurt (especially when I realized it had been a year since she and I had stopped talking), but as I walked back to my car a song called “Flowers” by Chris Young started playing and I thought of the three most important lessons I learned from her in my freshman year of college and in reflection this past year.
She taught me to keep an open mind. My freshman year was the year Michael Brown was killed in Ferguson, Missouri, and I saw all of these post attacking police officers. I was so fired up, not because I wanted to be in law enforcement at that time, but because all of the cops were being called racists and bigots, when I figured statistically speaking not all of them could be bad. I was angry, on the verge of yelling at the computer and she calmed me down, told me that she knew what I was thinking and agreed that the backlash against all law enforcement was excessive- yet she was able to explain the argument that called for more investigating into police shootings without becoming irrational. Since then, I’ve been working on becoming more analytical and objective when I see something on the news and not becoming pissed off when I see something I disagree with (for the most part- I am only human, after all).
She taught me that being emotional with a loved one wasn’t a bad thing. That's not to say I didn't show any emotion, but I was hesitant to be anything but positive. When she and I were together, I tried to never get angry- I figured if I never got angry, we’d never fight. It was naive, I know, but I try to simplify things like that. Anyways, I was usually upbeat or happy, or at the very least neutral and that did not show her every side of me. Whenever she got angry, I insisted she used the phrase “we need to have a discussion” as opposed to “we’re fighting,” again trying to shine a more positive light on it. But, as I said earlier, our relationship ended and I felt like the world collapsed on my shoulders. In the year since we haven’t talked, I’ve had my ups and downs, but I got to talking to someone who had been in a similar situation and helped me get my head- and emotions- back in check, and I’m not so hesitant to show my emotional side.
She taught me what kind of man I want to be. Between June after freshman year to January of 2016, she and I were in a weird place where we didn’t see each other but we still communicated over the phone and social media. She and I discussed the failures of the relationship (which boiled down to what she wanted and what I wanted were incompatible), and we tried to mend fences- to dismal results. She kept on pointing out flaws One night I heard (again with this man!) Chris Young’s “The Man I Want to Be,” where he describes what can make him a better man. I took this to heart and now make a mental-list of what can make me not only a better partner, but a better brother, friend, son, student, and leader.
...
If you do end up reading this, I would like you to know that I’m sorry for what happened- for not being a better man to you, not being more open with you, and many times focusing on my own ideas than yours. But more importantly, thank you for teaching me these lessons, and I hope you were able to take away some positives from our time together too. I truly hope that you’re happy and successful in everything you do.
Sincerely,
Dan
