For the longest time, my mother referred to me as “runaway bride” after the Julia Roberts movie because I would alter aspects of myself in order to fit in better with whichever boy I was interested in. This never occurred to me until my mom and I were talking after a pretty rough breakup of mine, and I pointed out that I was trying to rebuild who I was as a person. I genuinely thought it was normal to feel like I needed to become myself again after the end of a relationship and was completely shocked when she said that I shouldn’t be changing myself for anyone. On top of that, I often made these modifications without even realizing that I was doing it for a boyfriend, not for myself.
It started mostly as altering small physical aspects of myself such as how I styled my hair or did my makeup and slowly evolved into fashion choices as well. I started wearing contact lenses and hair extensions after a boyfriend (who later turned out to be abusive) told me that I would look better if I wore them. He even picked out the majority of my wardrobe, molding me into the girl he wanted me to be. In addition to looks, I would change personality traits of mine in order to make sure I was what my boyfriend wanted me to be. I’ve pushed aside my moral compass in order to avoid judging a partner’s behavior, shifted my political and religious beliefs, and put myself in situations that made me extremely uncomfortable in order to be accommodating for men who wouldn’t even hold a door open for me.
I had been doing this for almost five years without even realizing that I was going through cycles of self-modification without asking for anything in return. It was a frustrating cycle that left me feeling empty and lost by the end of it. No woman should be questioning who she is as a person when a relationship ends; she should never feel like she is a broken remnant of her former self.
Recently, I began a relationship with a man who makes me feel completely secure in who I am, which is rather refreshing. Not once have I felt the need to change anything about my appearance, interests, beliefs, or personality. In all honesty, it was nerve-wracking at first because I was so unfamiliar with feeling so secure in a relationship… it felt unnatural. As time has gone on, I’ve come to appreciate the comfort of being accepted and loved for everything that I am, not what I think I should be. The ease of the relationship feels natural to me now and I finally understand that this is what love is supposed to feel like: effortless.
