It is like I am fighting myself all of the time. I am constantly asking myself "Does he still love me?" "Is this answer correct?" "Why do I feel like he doesn't want me anymore?" I over think every little aspect of my life, whether it is what I choose to wear to what I am doing that day.
It is a constant battle in my head and I am beyond tired of it. I don't advertise this to the world so everyone knows that I hate myself almost 100% of the time, I tell you this because not a lot of people know they have the same problem. Growing up I wouldn't think any of these intense thoughts because I really just didn't care. I didn't care about how I looked, what people thought about me, or even what I was doing. I could fail a class and not care. I could look a hot mess and not care. It didn't matter what it was I just didn't have room to take other people's opinions into consideration.
That is how my life was up until about 2 years ago.
I'm not sure what clicked in my head or what happened but I simply started to care about absolutely everything. I thought about what people said to me. That is one of the biggest things that gets me especially if it's from my boyfriend. He says one weird thing and I'm having a mental break down at two in the morning because he meant it one way and I took it another. He could have been joking, or could have been nice and I would take him seriously. It sucks a lot.
A lot of people don't know about it and the only reason that I keep it hidden from my family and friends is because there really isn't a lot to tell. It is me thinking about a certain topic so much that it is like I lose control of my mind until I think about it so much it hurts. I have a mental breakdown for about 30 minutes and then its over. Sometimes music triggers it, sometimes it's something someone says, other times it's basically so simple that me trying to figure out what to wear for the day triggers it. And it's not just me thinking about the clothes, it's about how I look in the clothes, what people think of the clothes, what the clothes look like, and if it would look better in some other way.
It isn't this crazy experience where I have a breakdown in the middle of the day either.
Usually it happens when I am alone in my room, driving, or studying. Pretty much anytime I give my brain the chance to relax. My thoughts take over. There is a way to stop though; last night for example, I was crying so hard in the shower over something that wasn't even anything to cry over. I had created a situation in my head that wasn't even a thing yet. Once I realized what I was crying over was just part of my imagination, I was able to come to my senses and breathe. That is the biggest thing for me, breathing. When I'm having an episode (that's what I call it), I just breathe. It helps me clear my mind and helps me relax.
So, Why did I tell all of you this? I told the world something that I have never told anyone before because I can help. I know what it feels like to have no one there for you after everything you go through. It is like a rut, until recently, I thought I would never be able to escape.
It is hard but you can do it.
You can make it through it.
Whenever you are going through hard times just breathe. Breathe because you are strong, breathe because you are you and that matters so much. The thoughts that run through your head do not control you. They strengthen you to overcome each and every episode. Each thought is beautiful even when it is nothing but horror, so try to find something beautiful in it.
Find peace within your self.
