Kind of Like Drowning.

It occupies my mind on most days so it's almost easy to put it into words for me.

There are two types of missing you, there's the type where we aren't in contact and all I can think about is past memories like you sitting in your bed as I watch you play your guitar and you watch me fall in love, and then there's the missing you that comes while we're talking and I wish we were doing more.

The ladder hurts the most.

I miss you the most when I am in a record store and see you in every rock record I pass. Or when It's as simple as seeing mountain dew at a store and knowing that's what you'd always go for.

While I'm missing you I often wonder if it's reciprocated, do you think of me when you see a Taylor Swift vinyl? I know the answer is no and that I don't cross your mind but it's a nice thought that I sometimes entertain.

I miss you when I am going through something hard and just want my best friend. My mind always goes to you even though that's not your place in my life anymore. I know I could call and I know you'd answer but it wouldn't be fair to me because my end goal would be to vent to the person who I trust the most and your end game would be to play on my trust and somehow convince me sex will make my troubles fade.

I miss you when I listen to love songs and think how true they ring for me and I miss you, even more, when I realize the twist of fate that when you listen to those songs I am not in your head.

That's the paradox, I miss you even knowing it's not reciprocated. I miss you knowing I only creep into your mind when your having impure thoughts. It makes me wonder what about you I even miss.

Perhaps it's your long hair and how I could play with it as you slept and I just sat there counting my blessings starting with you. Or maybe I missed how much we laughed together or how we high fived after sex then ordered 7-11 on uber eats. Maybe I missed watching you talk about music and being able to see that passion on your face.

Missing you tends to feel like missing the person I was with you. This happy girl that was so sure of you. Now I miss that version of me and have to deal with the version of me constantly wondering where I went wrong.