I'm not sure about anyone else, but when I was little I always felt invincible –– like I could live forever. I applied that same belief to everyone else around me. I had no concept of death, and I was fortunate to not have a grandparent pass away until I was a bit older and able to understand and comprehend what was happening around me. But when my grandmother passed away when I was in eighth grade, my world was taken out from under my feet.
Early in the year of 2010, my grandmother (on my mom's side) began to fall ill. I had an optimistic view of the situation, figuring that my grandmother would eventually become healthy once again. One very early morning in late March, my grandmother took her very last breath. As my mom woke me up and gently broke the news to me, I didn't know how to feel. I was lost, confused and broken. My grandmother was such a loving and kind-hearted person, and I miss her each and every day.
Unfortunately, I was met with these same feelings again not too long ago. After a decline of health in the past few years, my grandmother's (on my dad's side) condition continued to worsen, until she was finally released of all of her pain in mid-October. My grandmother was someone I spent a lot of time with when I was younger. We went on shopping trips together and she would spoil me rotten, buying me (almost) anything I asked for. After our shopping trips, we would sit on her chair together and watch "The Bachelor," talking about how cute all the boys were. When we weren't together, we wrote letters back and forth to each other (snail mail was a thing back then!).
When I heard of my grandmother's passing, I was immediately ridden with emotion. I was away at school, and all I wanted to do was cry for days. Even though she was very sick, I still could not deal with the fact that I would never be able to talk to her again, to hold her hands or to sit on her lap ever again and talk to her about my life.
When I got to the funeral home, seeing pictures of my grandmother and her in a casket with flowers adorning it, I broke down and started crying immediately. Nothing, no preparation, no words, not one thing on this earth can prepare you for how it feels to lose a loved one. It is the hardest and most difficult experience, and there is nobody to tell you how to handle it or what you will feel. People will give their condolences, your family, friends and significant other will support you; but you have to face your own emotions and I found that to be the hardest part.
Two months after my grandmother's passing, my grandfather's (on my Dad's side) already declining health began to worsen. He passed away only a few weeks ago, and again, I was met with the same feelings of loss and confusion, even though I had just gone through the same thing not too long ago. My grandfather was one of the smartest people I've ever known. He was an engineer, he fixed cars for a living, and served in the army. If I ever had a question about anything, I would immediately go to him.
I wish more than anything that I could have one last conversation with my grandmother and grandfather and tell them all of my hopes and dreams and everything that I have experienced so far in college. I wish I could make up for lost time, I wish I could tell them how much I love them and give them one last hug. But I know they are up there watching me having the time of my life. As devastating as my grandparent's passing was, I know they are together, without pain, looking over me and my family with smiles on their faces.
