Like in the movie “The Duff," I was always the “designated ugly fat friend” in every group of friends I was ever in. I know I have low self-esteem and you’re probably thinking I am only saying this because of that. However, it has been made quite apparent to me in my 20 years of life that I am indeed the “duff” in most cases. There have been an infinite amount of times where I would go out with my friends and they were always the ones getting hit on or catcalled while there was no attraction sent towards me. Yes, I would not like to be hit on or catcalled at what so ever and it doesn’t seem very fun. In fact, that would make me quite uncomfortable; however, when it was always my friends getting that kind of attention and not me, it made it very clear that maybe I was the “ugly” friend.

Boys would never call me pretty unless they were a family member or a friend that made it very clear to me that they were just my friend. Boys would only come over to talk to me for help on a school assignment or to ask about one of my friends they thought was cute. They would probably think I looked “okay” or they just won’t be attracted to me at all. In some cases, they would be very mean and call me fat, ugly, weird, or all three at the same time. They would laugh at me if I had a crush on them or tell me they weren’t “looking for a relationship”, but then get a girlfriend a week later. They might even use me to help them with school works or for answers to a test. I also had a few times where a guy would point at me, look at his friend, and say “That’s your girlfriend!” Then the response from the other guy would say, "Ew! No!” followed by a disgusted face and all his friends laughing as they walked away.

Now, you’re probably wondering how exactly this connects with me being the “ugly” friend. Well the thing is, this would hardly ever really happen to my friends and if it did, it wasn’t as frequent as when it happened to me. They seemed to be called pretty and get all the guys to like them all the time. They would always talk about their boyfriends and the boys they are talking to when I didn’t even get an actual boyfriend until I was 18. When we would all hang out, they were always hit on and I just sat there awkwardly. They would be able to go shopping in all the stores in the mall, but I could only shop at a few that carried my size. I always felt frumpy with my messy hair and wore a lot of men’s t-shirts and jeans, while they wore cuter outfits and had nicer hair.

All of this eventually got to my head and made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I kept thinking, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a boyfriend like my friends? Why are they so much prettier than me?” It led me to a downward spiral of low self-esteem and self-hatred that took me years to even barely get out of. I started comparing myself to everyone and thinking they were all better than me. It didn't help that this made me feel so left out too. I had such a hard time with myself that I couldn’t even see how much I was practically destroying myself with these negative thoughts.

From time to time I still think I am the “duff” of my friends, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it did before. I don’t really care if guys find me unattractive while they hit on my friends. I actually feel pretty bad for them always being hit on by random, weird guys. I don’t really care if I look like a bum in public with messy hair and wearing my band t-shirts and jeans while my friends look a lot cuter. If a guy calls me fat or ugly I just say, “Cool,” and not waste my time on their negativity. I might even be sarcastic with them and say, “Really?! I didn’t know!” and give them the bird.

I may still have self-esteem issues and still might compare myself to others from time to time, but I don’t let it completely destroy me. The older I got, the more I realized that it’s okay to not get hit on and it’s okay to not have so many guys attracted to me. I finally realized that it’s okay to be me whether I am the “duff” or not. I just embrace being the “duff” of my group of friends and enjoy the time I have with them instead of comparing myself to them.

If you find yourself thinking that you’re the “ugly” friend and wish you were prettier, please realize that you are beautiful just the way you are and there is nothing wrong with you. You will find someone who will love you to bits and pieces just like I did and all the guys that never gave you a chance will mean nothing. Enjoy your time with your friends and don’t worry about being the one that never gets hit on. In the end of the day, that won’t matter and you are still the outstanding person you are and you will get to make memories with some pretty amazing people.