I have mental disorders. Specifically, anxiety and depression: the amazing combo.
When I say that I can’t do something, it’s not because “I don’t want to." It’s because doing even simple tasks requires more effort from me than it would from someone else.
My mental disorders count as disabilities, which impact one or more daily activities.
I struggle with fatigue because of my disorders. That means it takes more energy for me to do specific tasks, and sometimes, I’m not able to get them done.
That does not mean I’m lazy.
That means I may not shower. I may not be able to get out of bed. I may not be able to do my homework and I may not be able to clean for a while.
Often, I can’t eat for days or sleep. This causes me to lose weight. This week alone, I have shifted from sleeping 8 hours a day to 2 to 12 and back again, and it is endlessly frustrating. I struggle to eat, and to eat enough, on a daily basis.
I have to go out of my way to make sure that I can just survive the day.
I also have a lot of obsessions in which I fixate on one thing, or I have to get something done so it stops going through in the back of my head. Often times, I have to do things when I have to do things because my inner schedule is very messed up at times, due to my inability to keep a regular schedule.
So if I say I’m depressed and can’t complete a specific task or can’t move for the day, do not take it upon yourself to push me. It simply means that I’m not able, without endangering my mental health or putting myself at risk, to do a task. I simply do not have the energy and cannot force myself to do it.
No amount of threatening or reasoning will let me do that task. And please, please, please do not get angry with me because of my symptoms. This just makes me feel worse about myself. Believe me, if I could do that task, I would.
Just as well, people with mental illnesses are held to a specific social standard when it comes to limitations—that is, they are told that their disability is their problem and that because it can’t be seen, it must not exist—or it does exist, but doesn’t impact that person’s life at all.
The problem with this is that it puts the blame of having a mental illness on the person who has the disability. When I tell other people that I cannot do something, often times they will argue with me about how “I would feel better if I just tried harder” or that I should push myself to make deadlines and make things more convenient for the people around me.
In other words, I get told a lot that my mental disabilities are inconvenient for other people because they have to accommodate me, and that makes me a hassle or a burden.
Having a mental disability does not make me a burden.
Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I can do these things. However, there are bad times where I absolutely cannot function and there is no way I can hold that same standard. When times are bad, and other people want me to push through my disability, it is often at my risk. It causes me more emotional damage and causes me more fatigue—in other words, someone without my disability would be able to do many of these tasks easily.
Saying I cannot do something is not a sign of weakness—it is a sign that I know the limitations of my disability, and that I am doing everything in my power to take care of myself.
Just because someone else can do it, does not mean that I can do it. Just because someone else could get up today and go to work and exercise and do three hours of studying does not mean that I have to.
I have to be able to live my life by my own expectations. If I don’t do this, it actually makes me more depressed because I am not able to work with myself as I am. It creates a cycle of self-loathing, which feeds into my depression.
Likewise, if I say, “I can’t be around this, this situation makes me anxious,” it is not optional. My needs are not optional, by any means, and they deserve to be taken seriously. This is not being demanding; it is simply taking care of myself.
Mentally ill people deserve to take care of themselves too. Because mentally ill people are people too.
So I don’t care if my needs are inconvenient. As a human being, I reserve the right to be just as comfortable as anyone else when dealing with situations.
I am not being picky. I am not bitchy when I am standing up for myself.
I deserve to be free of things that knowingly cause panic attacks. I deserve for other people to understand my experience or being belittled for it. I deserve to be able to live with anxiety and depression and not be penalized for it.
My disabilities do not make me less of a person.
When I say that I cannot do something, it means that I cannot do it.
