There are many misconceptions about the people who have been the victims of abusive relationships. While many of them "appear" to be true, they are not exactly what people perceive the traits to be. No matter what kind of abusive relationship a person may be in, the aftermath is no better or no worse than another. Whether it be physical, mental, verbal, sexual or financial, abuse is abuse, and the pain caused is the same.
What is the product of an abusive relationship?
Once she is finally separated from the relationship, the cruel and tormenting fear begins to take over.
Every time a girl takes a step out of her car, she'll look around for a good few minutes to make sure he isn't around. A girl may look for his car, people he knows, anything that could tip off that he was around. At nighttime she will beg people to walk her to her car whether it be coworkers, or friends, and if no one she is familiar with is around she'll try to walk by a stranger and hope they are going in the relative same area as she is. She will look around her car, under her car, and peek into her back seat before she will even think about getting into the car. Looking into the back seat every two minutes even while driving down the street isn't an unfamiliar action for a girl once in an abusive relationship. A girl will lock her door immediately whenever she gets into the car before she drives, daytime or nighttime.
She always needs to know where her escape could be. Whether she's at the mall, grocery store, or even her own job, she has to know where she can quickly escape if he were to show up. Whether he has the intention of hurting her or not, she just has to run. Even if she catches a simple glimpse of him, she runs and doesn't look back. She learns safe zones of where he probably won't be in order to avoid a "run in" or "spotting." The sight of him causes pure fear.
Seeing an argument becomes derailing. Being yelled at turns into tears and flinching at every movement. The idea of trusting another man again becomes a worst nightmare.
Unfortunately, the fear and paranoia she goes through every day only feeds his fire and it is what he wants, but she's becoming less afraid every day.
But she could only be told for so long what to wear, where to go, or who to be friends with. She could only mentally take being a prisoner and having to answer to her "significant other" for so long. She only could tolerate being an object and a thing to control for so much time.
She wanted to wear pretty dresses, and shorts, and makeup when she went out, not just with him. She wanted to have guy friends and be able to talk to male coworkers and not be accused of cheating if she didn't pick up her phone while she was studying, at work, or sleeping. She wanted the midnight phone calls of screaming chaos over nothing to end. She wanted to stop panicking and flinching every time her phone rang. She needed to stop doing everything he demanded in fear.
So she stopped picking up the phone.
While all of the negative things that have become of the girl, many positive things have come too.
She is stronger; she is a fighter. She is still not repaired, but is getting stronger and more confident every day. She will no longer accept less than she deserves. This girl is broken and afraid, but so much braver than she gives herself credit for. She can now analyze a situation and pick out red flags before they even happen.
If a guy "can't be alone": red flag.
If a guy is extremely jealous: red flag.
If the seemingly normal jealously turns controlling: red flag.
If the guy uses your past and your weakness against you: red flag.
She will no longer let threats push her away from her family and friends. She learned that silently holding on to his threats will only hurt everyone around her more when they finally come out. She learned that she could have easily gotten help as soon as things went wrong, not years into the issue. She learned that so many people were ready to have her back. They all knew something was going on, they just weren't sure what. She discovered that the man tearing her down is only trying to make himself feel better, to fill a void in his life. She learned that he was only taking advantage of her empathetic ways and who she was as a woman.
Her education will come first; her life will come first; she will come first.
She will not be a brainless slave to a poor excuse of a man. She will not let any man talk down to her or harm her. She will not let any man make her his lowest priority while he forces himself to be her first priority. She will take his power away before fire could catch her whole life in flames.
She learned it was never too late to free herself. It may have taken far too long, but it wasn't too late.
She accepts that she will be blamed for everything and will have all of the burden of his actions held on her, and that's okay. Because what goes around comes around.
"He wouldn't have hit her if she didn't..."
"She wouldn't be in that situation if she just left..."
"It's not abuse if he didn't hit her."
"She's being over dramatic."
"She's lying."
"It's her fault he did that."
"He wouldn't have done that if she...."
"She's quite the actress; it's all a lie."
Well, where is my Oscar then?
The familiar and judgmental stigma, misconceptions, and uneducated views of abusive relationships torment the survivors of abusive relationships every day. The survivors need support, and the people struggling need help out. Look for the signs, and don't be judgmental. Telling someone to leave the person isn't always the right thing to do; you don't know how their abuser is keeping them there. He could be using threats, violence or many other countless, cruel means.
So, what is the product of an abusive relationship?
Me.
