I didn't know what asexuality was until I got to college. When I started learning more about sexuality and having conversations with people about how they'd explored their own, I learned that it refers, simply speaking, to someone who does not experience sexual attraction. It wasn't until a few months ago that I learned there was a whole other dimension to this: not only was there a term for strictly asexual people, but there was a whole umbrella of terms to describe those who don't identify as sexual, or who experience sexual attraction in a few specific contexts.

One thing I learned that has helped me to better understand this umbrella– what's known as the asexuality spectrum– is that sexual attraction is not the only form of attraction. (It seems like it should be obvious, but it's remarkably easy to forget.) It's important to remember that there are a ton of different forms of attraction that are not sexual: physical, aesthetic, romantic, and many others. Just because someone experiences one or more of these doesn't mean they're not asexual. In fact, lots of asexual people experience non-sexual forms of attraction to others and act on them by getting to know someone, in whatever way works for them.

And just because someone does experience sexual attraction in certain situations doesn't mean they aren't on the spectrum. This brings us to the so-called "Gray Area" of asexuality, which is commonly seen as consisting of two groups of people: "Gray-As" and demisexuals. Gray Asexual is a term used to describe people who are not quite asexual: they might experience sexual attraction only fleetingly, or very occasionally, or feel that it is not an important concept to them personally. Demisexuals, on the other hand, are those who only experience sexual attraction after forming a close emotional bond with someone.

Demisexuality, like asexuality, is distinct from celibacy: it is not a choice. While someone sexual who is abstaining from sex might have a variety of reasons for wanting to do so (religious beliefs, discomfort with the idea of sex, waiting for an appropriate time, etc.), they do nevertheless experience sexual attraction, likely to a wide variety of people. Demisexuals, however, do not experience this. They generally only feel sexual attraction for people they know well or have been in an intense experience with. Often, things that might seem like they would only stir romantic attraction (seeing someone get dressed up, watching them play an instrument, talking about what books they like) can also lead to greater feelings of sexual attraction, even if there's nothing sexual about the activity. This is because it enables demisexuals to feel closer to the person they are observing, and at the same time to explore new aspects of their personality (something that increases desire among sexual couples, too). Greater feelings of romantic and aesthetic attraction can thus lead to feelings of sexual attraction, though there's no guarantee that they will.

To sum up: "Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals. The thing that makes them different from asexuals is that they are capable of feeling sexual attraction—it’s just that it only happens after they form a deep emotional bond with someone."

Importantly, those on the asexuality spectrum may very well choose to have sex, or engage in solo sexual activities, for a variety of reasons. (And when I say "sex", I'm referring to the whole host of sexual things people of all genders and sexualities might choose to engage in, not just penis-in-vagina sex. It is totally possible to be repulsed by or disinterested in penetrative sex, find other forms of sexual activity pleasurable– or not– and not be asexual.) It could be that they like the way something feels, or they want to be physically intimate with a partner, or they might simply be curious. They may even choose to have casual sex! Asexuality, like all forms of sexuality, is more about what you feel than what you do.

David Jay, the founder of the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), said this in an interview with The Atlantic:

"It's not that we talk about sex too much... it's that we celebrate sex in a way that is inauthentic. If we were to have a widespread, accurate discussion of sexuality -- all the things that it means and doesn't mean to people -- that would include a discussion of the fact that sex is not interesting to everyone at some points, and that's okay, and sex is not interesting to some people all the time, and that's okay. Instead, I think what we have is a dialogue that fetishizes and celebrates sexuality, and equates it with the sum of our value and relationships."

In other words, we live in a culture that places a lot of value on the idea that everyone is sexual, and that every person is sexual in the same way. Even for people who do experience sexual attraction, this is a ridiculous (and limiting) way of looking at things. Sexuality is confusing and often frustrating, especially when you don't know exactly how it works for you or for someone else. But it's also interesting and beautiful and infinitely complex, and that's part of what makes exploring it so worthwhile and important.