You left with no warning and there are still things I don’t understand. There are questions I wish I could ask, but I know I’ve lost my right to ask you the things I want to know now. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the peace of mind that I wish I could find, but I’ve been searching for it. Day by day, things get easier yet there are days that the constant “what if’s” paralyze me.
Which begs the question… is it really possible to continue being with someone who once hurt you so bad?
I see the way you act with everyone else in comparison to how you act around me. It’s different – strangers are nicer to me than you are sometimes. You would never do for me the things that you do for her. If I ever asked you to do something you would always respond with “let me think about it,” or “I don’t know I might be busy.” For everyone else though you would drop your life… but here’s the thing I would drop my life for you, so what’s different? Where did we go so wrong that we are on completely different sides of the road? How did I mess up so bad that this has happened?
I have no one to blame but myself for the things that caused this epic fallout, but you didn’t fight back; instead, you fled. We stayed friends though, for better or worse. You had an engraved coffee mug when you wanted to feel richer and leftovers for dinner when we were feeling poor. I bought you tea and cough syrup, in your sickness and coffee in your health. It was never your love that I was trying to buy, I was never trying to buy you to begin with. I thought I could change your perception of me, but you still “cringe” at the thought of me being around. How does a person say that to someone who would lay down their life for you?
It’s impossible to not feel at least a little bitter when I think about everything we’ve shared. Of course I smile and I laugh, but sometimes I cry too. There are things I wish I could fix, things I wish I would have done and other things I wish I never said. If I could hop back in a time machine and change the course of history, the course of us, I wonder if I would really do it. Would I want to fix things and see what happens, or would it just end anyway?
