Running sucks. I have serious respect for anyone who can do it without complaint because I can’t run for more than one lap around a track before I’m cursing my own existence.
However, science has proven that running is one of the most effective ways to fully train and exercise your body in a minimum time frame. Therefore, here I am, lacing up my shoes, attempting to convince myself that this run will not feel like a cruel and unusual punishment.
During a typical run, this is what goes through my (and many others’ I’m sure) mind.
1. Time to go run. This is going to be great. This is going to be awesome. You’re going to run and feel awesome and be awesome.
2. I look hot in this outfit. I should run more often.
3. Okay, let’s get started. Look at me, starting my run.
4. Singing "Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, and the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake."
5. Starting to get out of breath. Maybe singing isn’t a good idea.
6. How long has it been? Surely it’s been like half a mile, by now.
7. It's only been .21 miles. I am going to die.
8. Why did I say I was going to run? I should have just stayed home and continued binging on Netflix.
9. Who does this for fun? Who finds this sort of thing relaxing? This is death. Absolute death.
10. Calm yourself, Madison. Calm yourself. Think of other things. Think of happy things. This run will be through before you know it.
11. I wonder how many runs someone has to do to lose 15 lbs. I read somewhere that 1 lb equals like 10 thousand burpees.
12. Olivia and Jake better get back together now that she and Fitz are finito.
13. Then again, Jake is being a jerk right now, so probs not. I wonder if Shonda is going to come out with another show. I am doomed if she does.
14. WOOHOO! It’s been a whole .59 miles! I am trucking it!
15. And they say running is hard. Ha. I could join our school’s Track team.
16. It is starting to get just a little toasty. Maybe wearing a long sleeved shirt wasn’t my brightest idea.
17. Then again, running, in general, wasn’t my brightest idea.
18. Why is it so hot? Do all runners get this hot?
19. I think I tore my quad. But for real this hurts.
20. Alright, one mile down, one to go! I can do this. I got this.
21. Who am I kidding, I do not “got this.”
22. I am sweating buckets and my legs are on fire. Who submits to this torture daily?
23. Oh my gosh, there’s a person. A person running towards me. Look natural, look natural. I run all the time. This is me, casually running like I always do.
24. Update, the runner running towards me is male.
28. Update, the male runner running toward me is an attractive male. Look natural. I repeat, look natural. Run a little faster; make it look like you do this all the time.
29. How does this work? Do we just ignore each other? Am I supposed to wave? Smile? I don’t know runner etiquette. He’ll know I’m not a runner!
30. OK, here he comes. Just smile, just smile and continue on your run. Because you are too busy doing runner things to acknowledge the very attractive male running by you.
31. That’s right. Look at me prancing around like a runner. You wish you were as cool as me when I run.
32. He waved! And nodded! And you barely did anything! Now the attractive male runner that is running totally thinks you’re rude.
33. Turns around to wave back. Then trips.
34. Please tell me he didn’t see that. Who am I kidding? He totally probably saw that.
35. 1.48 miles. The pain in my legs is almost numb. I guess that’s a good thing. Only a half-mile to go.
36. Crap. There’s a hill. Is there a way around the hill? No? I guess up the hill I go.
37. It’s just a hill. You can do it. People run up hills all the time. It’s no big deal.
38. I was wrong. It is not just a hill. I can not do it. Someone come and carry me back home.
39). LEGS ARE BURNING WITH THE HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS.
40. Didn’t Shakespeare write something like that in one of his plays? I could write plays for a living. Or maybe I could write a book and become the next J.K. Rowling.
41. I just cleared that hill like a boss. I am a boss. This running thing ain’t nothing but a thang.
42. I can totally see my house. I’m almost done. When I get back, I can have ice cream and watch Netflix.
43. No! I tortured myself on this run, and I will not ruin it with ice cream and Netflix. Well…maybe Netflix. A little "Grey’s Anatomy" never killed anyone.
44. That’s a lie… "Grey’s Anatomy" kills people every episode. I’m still crying over George O’Malley.
45. Is it just me, or is the house moving farther away?
46. I can’t do this anymore. This was an awful idea. I am never running again. Ever.
47. My lungs are exploding like fireworks. Fireworks are awesome until someone sets them off inside your lung cavity.
48. So close but so far away….
49. At last, I see the light. It's like the fog has lifted.
50. I made it! Woo! Totally finished that run like a boss. How many pounds did I lose? I wonder if I can fit into my old jeans now….
51. Food. I need food. Blessed food, I will never take you for granted again.
52. Maybe running isn’t that bad… just kidding. That sucked, and I am never doing it again.
