Grief: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death
The definition of grief is vague and does not begin to cover the real meaning of what it means to each of us. It's a messy process full of days you're fine and days you struggle to get out of bed. You do get out of bed though, and you find a way to make it through the day a minute at a time. It's not easy, but somehow you keep going.
My dad was the real life version of Super Man. Maybe I am biased but he truly was a remarkable person. He was well respected in our community, with his colleagues, and his family because of his work ethic, fairness, and faith. You always went to him for the best and most sound advice. Dad was so secure in his faith and was a model Christian: full of flaws but lived to serve others. We always say there is no one like my dad and that fifty two years was not nearly long enough with him.
His sickness and his subsequent death is another (heart wrenching) story for another day. Watching my own personal Super Man lose all of his physical powers was devastating. Life without him was even harder on me, the "daddy's girl." We had such a close relationship and a bond I cannot put into words. I didn't just lose a parent; I lost a best friend, coach, mentor, supporter, and many other things wrapped into one person. These four and a half years he has been gone have been difficult to say the least.
These have been the hardest, yet at times most rewarding years of my life. Here are eight things I have learned while grieving:
1. Remember that you are not alone and find your safe space. You will feel isolated from your family and peers as they don't understand the impact the loss has had on you. In your darkest moments, know there is always someone there for you. Find your safe space or safe person. Maybe it is a family member, therapist, someone who has experienced a similar loss, a spot by the river, or writing. Retreat to that safe space or person when the waves of grief feel like they are drowning you.
2. Be more honest with those around you. When someone asks you how you are doing, you do not have to lie and say "fine". Why lie? If you want, you can give a brief response without going into too much detail. I have found though that when I talk about it, I feel better. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable talking about it. We all grieve at some point in our lives so chances are they understand on some level.
3. Talk about your loved one. You are not annoying others with your stories. (If you are, so what!) It will make you feel better to not ignore that person's existence or impact on your life. Help keep their legacy alive by telling others about them, doing things you liked to do together, or go to their favorite place.
4. Milestones, big events, and holidays will be bittersweet. I cried for many reasons when my niece was born, one being I was sad that my dad didn't get to be the grandpa he wanted to be. Every step of wedding planning has involved tears. They are memorable, happy times, but also painful. Try not to focus too much on the person missing, but rather the ones there. now
5. Little things will catch you off guard and cause breakdowns. That song on the radio you forgot he loved so much? Get ready for tears. His favorite tea you see on the grocery store shelf? Be prepared to stare at it and have your mind wander off, forgetting where you are at or how long you've been standing there. I can't even watch Kentucky basketball games anymore because it is not the same without him.
6. Remember that you are strong. There a stigma of weakness associated with grief but you are anything but that. You get up and keep going everyday. You may struggle to do it, but you do.
7. Grieve in your own way. Everyone grieves differently and there is no one way to do it. You have the right to grieve in the way you need to. Your grief will look different than everyone's and that is ok. It's ok to be angry, sad, happy, or whatever you are feeling.
8. There is no timeline. This process is not a timeline that you hit each stage in order; you will jump from one stage to the next, then back again. I cannot tell you how many times I have been smiling and laughing one minute, only to start sobbing the next. It takes time to learn how to learn to live with the loss and handle all of the emotions that come with it.
9. It's ok to not be ok. You are not a robot- you are a human full of emotions and are not required to be perfect. You are allowed to cry, just as you are allowed to laugh while grieving. Do not feel embarrassed because of your mental state or feel like you have to hide your sadness.
10. Grief never ends. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is a tough one to wrap our minds around. You will always have an ache in your heart missing your loved one. You will learn how to live without them and time helps soften the blow some. There are times when I feel that isn't true and am just as upset as I was the day it happened. That is the waves of grief; the sadness comes and goes.
Everything will be ok. I still convince myself of this all the time but I really believe it. Tragic things happen and we have to learn how to deal with them. Our loved ones are not ours forever and we must have faith that we will see them again one day.
