Sometime this last spring, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. Bipolar, by medical definition, is "A disorder characterized by depressive lows and manic highs", which roughly translates to "crazy happy energy for a few days/weeks followed by a crippling depressive state for days/weeks/months". That's Bipolar 1, from my understanding. In Bipolar 2, the manic part never reaches full potential. Bipolar 2 manic episodes can look like spending money frivolously and quickly on things the person can't afford, seeking out sex with people they normally wouldn't, and other risky behaviors that could be potentially dangerous to the individual.
But bipolar isn't just manic. It's also depression. And in people with bipolar 2, it hits hard.
When I was 11, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. We now know I am actually bipolar. I remember spending days in bed, refusing to move, refusing to do homework or socialize or even speak to another human being. These episodes have been my normal for as long as I can remember- and they usually last for weeks, up to a few months. During which time I am visited by a multitude of voices in my head, telling me to harm myself or worse. "You're not worth anything to anyone, you're a burden, you're better off dead." No matter how old or young you are, these thoughts are terrifying- but they become normal, and normality brings odd comfort.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, that you would stop at nothing to have it? But life gets in the way, and obstacles tend to manifest out of nowhere. For me, that's not just a once-in-a-while thing. It's constant. That's my life. The thing I desire more than anything is to be normal- happy- all the time. I take medications to ensure I don't dive off the deep end. But, they don't always help. Every few months to a year or so, my body becomes used to the medication, and finds a way to work around it. That's usually when the flare ups happen.
For me, a "flare up" is a manic episode, accompanied by stunning depression. The two moods dance together, each competing for the defining spot in my mind. Which will take over? Which will be the mood of the moment? And after a while, they switch--violently.
Bipolar is a defining trait, but it is not the whole of who I am. I am bipolar, but I'm not crazy. I'm bipolar, but I'm not a maniac.
I'm bipolar, but I'm not unable to live a normal life. I'm bipolar, but I still function. I'm bipolar, but I live like I'm not.
