Sometimes my life feels like a disappointment. I have achieved so much, but a series of disappointments can be overwhelming. At one point, it felt like my life was falling apart. My best friend left me, I was rejected from a position as a resource center assistant, my interview with NBC lasted a whole 3 minutes, after applying for the second time I became an alternate to be a summer resident assistant, and I was losing confidence in myself.
That all happened in a week. I cried and cried. I had already succeeded in so many other ways. But at that moment, a second semester sophomore at NYU felt like her world was tearing apart. Everyone else seemed to be succeeding. Everyone else was bragging right in front of my face without realizing how much that made me feel like a failure. They share pictures on social media, making feel alone when I was not. They post birthday surprises from their friends, while some of my friends forget about mine.
And this is how I feel at this very moment. Listening to music on my laptop, trying to write two papers, and hearing the words of rejection whisper in my ear. “The selection process was competitive...we would like to offer you a position in the alternate pool.”
The feeling of becoming a backup, the last resort, for some reason, feels so familiar. At a certain point, I feel like it would be better if I just gave up. Because wouldn’t rejection be better than becoming a second choice, the last resort? To have a friend who can be honest with you, who won't look down on you?
Or am I just in over my head? Am I just overreacting? Overthinking? Is it my own fault that I am like this? Who is to blame but myself? Why is it so hard for me to trust my own friends?
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I don’t know.
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Yet, these are the thoughts I have from time to time. Maybe too often. From the outside, I seem fine. I always look happy, but I am happy. I am happy with the life that God gave me. But, the fact is that I am too overwhelmed by these thoughts. I already don’t know what I will be doing with my life, so it’s so easy to feel so disappointed in myself.
On the flip side, as much as it sucks, disappointment motivates me. Because one pitfall means I can do better. I still have more chances. I have gotten an offer even though it isn't my dream job. I was promoted at what I thought was my useless job. This is all just career talk. The best of all, I still have friends who care about me even if it's hard to believe.
I can't keep holding onto the disappointments. I can't keep thinking I am alone in this world. I am only hurting myself.
In the end, He makes all things work together for my good (Romans 8:28).
