As most baristas would admit, once you work in a coffee shop for long enough, you start to make connections. I’m not talking networking, I mean the connection of what a person orders and how that directly reflects their personality. I’m definitely no expert, but after a couple of years dealing with caffeine-deprived soccer moms, middle school cheerleaders who just broke up with their boyfriend and that one vegan-allergic-to-soy-so-I’m-better-than-you mega hipster, I think it’s time I shared this double shot-sized sip of knowledge.
A quick look into what coffee you drink says about you, as told by your local barista.
1.Black Coffee:
In my experience, there are two types of people that order black
coffee: the first is the "old school." He isn’t trying to impress anyone; he's most likely just trying to get through the workday and get the job done. He’s typically a creature of habit and will
most likely buy Sunday’s newspaper along with his cup of joe. The other type of person that orders their coffee black is basically the equivalent of that girl in
your lab who went vegetarian for a whole month before spring break – just like
she needed everyone to know about her new self-proclaimed healthy lifestyle, the second kind of black
coffee drinker wants everyone within a three mile radius to know that they
don’t drink their coffee with ANY cream or sugar. They’re usually the pretentious
type who’s (pretending to) read something by Hemingway that you’ve “probably never heard
of.”
2. Americano:
For when the black coffee just isn’t strong enough. These folks either enjoy the jitters you get from drinking too much caffeine or have three kids all under the age of eight.
3. Espresso:
You’re simple, practical and to the point; you're probably the type of
person who actually sticks to their New Years resolutions (not that I’m
jealous). You want the effects of a good cup of coffee in about one-fifth of
the time. You obviously enjoy the little things in life and probably have a
super rad job like marketing manager for a sports team or drummer for a band
that I’ve also “probably never heard of.”
4. Expresso:
We can’t be friends.
5. Latte:
You were probably really cool at one point in your life. In fact, I’m pretty
sure I once saw pictures of you on Facebook from Spring Break ’03 that involved
some beads and a can of Natty Light, but it’s a little hazy now- like most of
your weekends from way back when. However, you’ve come a long way since those
days. According to you, you really have your life together now- you drive a Prius and scored a
steady (yet semi-boring) job despite those unfortunate FB photos. I hope my life is
can be as stable as yours someday. You go Glen Coco.
6. Nonfat Cappucino:
A more grown-up version of the Latte. You also
like spending five dollars on a cup of caffeinated air. P.s. I love your new
Pradas.
7. Mocha or White Mocha:
You either don’t enjoy the taste of coffee but like the
effects of caffeine or you’re the kind of person that likes to treat
yourself (on a daily basis) "just because." Either way, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that
you’re drinking a glorified cup of hot chocolate.
8. Frappe/Frappuccino:
Whether you’re a middle-aged woman or a middle school girl, you often find yourself wondering why they even ask if you want whipped cream anymore. Honestly, props to
you for not caring about calories, fat, sugar or really anything else. You’re
definitely a dessert-before-dinner kind of person and you wouldn’t have it any
other way.
9. Pumpkin Spice:
You occasionally enjoy a fall-themed drink to get you in the mood
for autumn festivities.
10. Pumpkin Spice in seasons other than fall:
Chances are, you refer to your drink
as a “PSL” and unless you’re at Starbucks, the person behind the counter will
either laugh at you or not have the slightest idea of what you’re talking
about. You most likely wear Uggs with your VS yoga pants and there is also a
good chance that your Instagram account consists solely of selfies and/or what you
ate for lunch that day with the hashtags “#yolo #fun #happy #blonde #sparkles #pink #girly #fun&flirty”
11. Decaf – Who are you?
