Being Suicidal Is So Much More Than You May Think

Content warning: Article discusses suicidal ideation.

Many people suffer from mental illness, traumatic childhood, loneliness, job loss, bullying, and so much more. Some have more energy than others to fight and go on with their life. But others get stuck, and lost in a dark lonely forest, and when they scream there is no one around to hear them and help. Just because we see someone laughing and smiling doesn't mean that they are happy and living their best life. We see what we are allowed to see.

I hate my life, having to smile all the time when I feel like running and hiding from everyone around.

I hate waking up, having to use all my energy just to shower, brush my teeth, eat, work, and repeat.

I hate going out, having to smile and laugh like everything is alright.

I hate being alone, sitting in the dark crying and drowning with no one around.

I hate fighting, every morning, afternoon, and night.

I hate trying, over and over again with no success at all.

But I love my friends, who've been searching for a way to get me back from the black hole where I've been.

I love my mom, who has worked day and night to give me what I need in life.

I love my siblings, who I want to make proud at least once in my life.

I hate, having to say that I'm okay when I want to disappear from everyone around.

But I love myself — the reason why I fight each day even if most of the time I feel like giving up.

And I get tired, fighting, trying, running, crying.

I hate when I'm judged because no one knows the path full of thorns I've had to cross.

Having suicidal thoughts isn't about cutting and hurting your body all the time. Being suicidal is being a warrior fighting against your own mind, protecting your life like a knight protects its land. So many people are so quick to draw their own pictures, write their own stories in their heads about other people. Individuals with suicidal thoughts are seen as dangerous, psychotic, and selfish, just to name a few. But no one really stops to ask:

"What's going on that makes you feel this way?

"What can I do to help you?"

"Are you actually okay?"

Or, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Suicidal thoughts are not just based on having a bad day, losing your job, losing a loved one, being lonely. Contemplating suicidal is a compilation of the past, present, and how the future looks. It's about losing all the power to keep fighting. It's about trying everything you can to be better but always get sucked back into the black hole. Is about not having anyone there for you to tell you:

"I care about you."

"Your life is important to me."

"You aren't alone, we will get through this together."

"You are not crazy."

"I don't understand your pain, but I will try my best."

Or, "I'm here for you."

No one really understands how hard it is to make a plan, commit to it, and do it. Some survive, but unfortunately, many don't. And is not about running away from the problems, is more about wanting to sleep and never wake up again. Not having to feel rejected, judged, having to fake so many smiles and laughs. Having to fake being happy, then getting home and crying. No one understands how hard it is to find a purpose in life when every door closes in your face, and when everyone around throws rocks at you. Having suicidal thoughts is about stopping the pain.

If you know someone with suicidal thoughts, don't' judge them or push them away.

You might not know what to do or what to say, but trust me when I say that checking up on that friend or family member will help. Give them a hug, and tell them that they aren't alone in this. Remember that they are humans too, trying to fight their own war to save their life. And you might be the soldier that will make a difference in that person's life.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, I need you to know that you are not alone in this.

Reach out to someone you love, or even someone online. Remember that there will always be someone willing to help you and listen to you without judgment. You are stronger than you think. I know that life seems so dark right now but hey, there can't be a rainbow without a storm. Think about your family and those friends that become family. The pain they will have to live with if you were gone. Taking baby steps isn't bad at all, I'm proud of you for waking up today, getting out of bed, and trying your best. I believe in you, and I believe that slowly you'll be able to climb back from that hole. Bad things happen to good people, why? I wish I knew. But remember to keep fighting because this world needs you. You are worthy, loved, and needed more than you think. I'm cheering for you.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255