For anyone who is familiar with the ever popular Broadway play, Phantom Of the Opera, you understand the idea of hiding behind a mask. Of course when talking about this play the reason the phantom is hiding behind this mask is because he is severely disfigured. Therefore this poor, unfortunate man is forced to hide in the shadows of an opera house all his life lest anyone see his hideous face. But we can relate to this poor creature, can't we? We all know how to wear our masks to hide what we don't want people to see. That's how we survive from day to day. We hide ourselves in the shadows so no one can see who we are. What are we hiding? Why are we hiding?
There are people in this world who can be called "old souls". Often we know right away when we meet these people because they're different than other people we've met. Usually they're much younger than they behave. So when you meet them you think you're talking to someone much older with so much life experience and wisdom because that's how they appear in their behavior. It's almost as if they give you the sense that they have all the answers to the secrets of life because they sometimes think they do. I think that's what we call being "too big for your britches" here in the south.
Take it from someone who has always felt a little bit too big for her britches; you learn how to hide behind a mask quite well. It's not like I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm "big for my britches" but rather I think I'm just always trying to fit in because I don't feel like I do. You could say I'm trying to blend with the world around me; blend so no one sees my disfigured identity. Can you relate?
But this whole idea of blending makes me sick to my stomach. Because I have never ever wanted to be called a blender, or a follower, in my life. I have never wanted to be a part of the main stream crowd. At least I thought I didn't. I've always preached individuality and being true to yourself, even if it's not popular. But the truth of the matter is, I'm a walking contradiction.
I worry so much about blending in that it keeps me up at night. I want so badly for people to like me that I worry about every little thing I say to people out of fear of not being liked. But no one knows that. Until now. If anyone ever asked me before if I cared about what people thought of me, my reply has always been "to hell with them if they don't like me". While I would preach that, I'd go home and cry over someone saying they didn't like me. I worry so much about hurting people's feelings because being a person "too big for her britches" I often come off as too tightly wound. I'm not a person with patience and so often that interprets into being a "bitch". Maybe I am. But I try so hard to act chilled and relaxed all the time so I don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. Meanwhile, I'm not a chilled, relaxed person. I never have been.
I'm loud. I'm emotional. I'm sensitive. I'm honest; maybe a little too honest sometimes. I'm impatient. I'm prone to fussing or whining. I'm independent and sometimes prone to preferring a reclusive sort of behavior. But not all the time. I'm a twenty-two year old young woman trying to deal with the fact that I always feel thirty-two. I'm a creature of extremes, and I try to hide that.
I try to hide behind this bad ass, hard core, unforgiving exterior because I think that's what is expected of me. All the while the person behind my mask is screaming, "I'm kind of a mess and I'm sad and lonely and pathetic at times!". But only a select few have ever known that. That is until now. I guess you can say I'm tired of hiding my deformities in the shadows.
