“Hi, I’m Maya and I’m a rape counselor,” is how she introduced herself to several men throughout the night. Maya is my best friend and she works as a prevention assistant at a Domestic & Sexual Violence Center. We went to happy hour at HPC near the Soho area in Tampa. We started mingling with a few gentlemen when Maya decided to boldly start some tough conversations. At first, I thought it was a bit over the top and uncomfortable, but then I came to admire her courage. She was opening up a can of worms, a taboo conversation, but one that needs to be had more often.
Why is rape so uncomfortable to discuss? Perhaps it’s the unspoken rule that you don’t talk about “heavy” topics at happy hour. I mean it is called happy hour for a reason, I suppose. However, it shouldn’t be uncomfortable because that’s what results in victims losing their voices, victims not having the chance to speak up about their stories. It also leads to ignorance on the matter, which is the main contributor to the problem.
She went on to pose this question: “Say, we’re having sex, and then I fall asleep. Do you continue?” She received a bunch of different responses...some more upsetting than others. Many were something along the lines of, “Well you wanted it, right? We had already started.” To this she would reiterate that, “but now I’ve fallen asleep…” and yet some of the guys still proceeded to say that it was perfectly acceptable to continue with the sexual act.
Rape is defined as: “unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.” Using this definition, if the guys that answered Maya’s question continued with sex in that particular situation, it would be absolutely, without a doubt, rape. Why? Because she is asleep, and therefore unable to give continuous consent.
When she told the guys this, they immediately were put off and almost became defensive. “Whoa whoa, I’m a good guy. I’m not a rapist” was a response we heard a couple times. I get it. No one wants to be defined as a rapist. And yes, you can be a nice person and still commit a crime against another human due to ignorance of the definition of rape. If you continue to have sex with someone after they have fallen asleep or become incapacitated for whatever reason, you’ve adopted that new definition.
Sex should be a mutual agreement. It requires informed consent from all parties. This agreement does not just happen once either. Just because you said you were DTF at the beginning of the night, does not mean you have signed some contract in blood and are required to follow through later. You are allowed to stop at any time! It is also important to note that you must ask and the person must be able to give an informed answer. If they are drunk, drugged, asleep, have a disability, or are in any other way incapacitated or unconscious, they are not able to consent.
Think about it like this: If I offer you a glass of water and you say no, am I going to dump the water down your throat? Absolutely not, because you did not ask for it nor did you want it. If you are asleep, am I going to dump the water down your throat? Once again, absolutely not.
We left happy hour blown away by the responses we heard. Yes I was angry, but I realized that I could not blame many of these men. I honestly think that they simply did not know that what they were saying was wrong. Our culture perpetuates it.
After this eye-opening experience, I realized that we still need to spread awareness, to demonstrate that rape is no longer about the creepy, hooded figure in a dark alley that captures the helpless girl that screams “no!!!” Perhaps this could be one scenario, but it’s not the most common. The most common is when there’s those “blurred lines,” where “she said she wanted me and we already started” or “we were both drunk.” The fact is, there are no blurred lines. Sex without consent is no longer sex; it’s rape.So if you're ever asked Maya's question at happy hour, I hope you give the right answer and are able to educate others.
