With the start of the Fall semester, herds of new freshman will be moving into their luxurious 3x3 dorm rooms. Feelings of freedom and captivity blend almost seamlessly on move-in day.

The first day of college--“exciting” doesn't do the day justice. Walking down University Boulevard for the first time, the sky seems bluer, the girls seem prettier, and hell, the student union food doesn't seem to taste too awful yet. But best of all, you're finally unshackled from your parents’ supervision and freed into a land of opportunity and amazement. As you approach your dorm, you envision all of the fun you and your cool new roommate will have, picking up chicks and drinking cheap beer together.

When I first arrived to the door of my dorm room, my mind was full of excitement and my backpack was full of beer...And then I opened the door. Immediately, my mind went blank, my face went pale, and I swear I could hear my beer getting flat. Concrete walls, enclosed space, regulation furniture… this wasn’t a dorm room. This was a prison cell. I went to open the window to let air flow in and my claustrophobia flow out, but they were painted shut. Gasping, I climbed onto my bed and tried to calm down, but it was no use. The bed was so lumpy and hard, I felt like a beached whale lying on rocks along the shore. This is it, I thought. Not even two minutes in and college life has already killed me.

You don’t have roommates in college. You have cellmates. They are randomly assigned, loud, invade your personal space, and always reek of cafeteria food and guilt. Be cautious around them because your cellmate will not think twice about shanking you with a shiv and taking your precious Peanut Butter M&Ms. Red, a badass Russian prisoner on Netflix's hit series Orange is the New Black, offers sage advice on this matter: "The second you're perceived as weak, you already are." I was lucky enough to have two roommates, each with their own unique set of problems. The worst offender, Emmet, was a pathological liar who pathologically ate cans of tuna fish. Whole cans. Of tuna fish. When he brought over a girl (seldom though it was), she would question why the room smelt of week-old tuna fish. He would simply reply, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Even prisoners have more self-respect than that. 

RA’s are the stunted version of prison guards. Any fun that you can have in a dorm, the RA will make every effort to squash it. If you need help setting up your cable, they are nowhere to be found. But God forbid you make the sound of opening a can, they will be pounding on your door with the full force of a SWAT team with a search warrant in hand. My RA took sadistic pleasure in ruining other people’s joy. Of all the RA’s in the dorm, he was the record holder of most infractions given out. He is now a Correctional Officer at the Arizona State Prison. That is a true statement. 

I personally have never been to prison, but I imagine their showers are nicer than my dorm's. Cold, trickling water leaking out of the shower head is all that you should expect from your dorm’s bathroom. Oh, and the constant noise of people screwing in the stall next to you. One couple made it their goal to have sex in each shower stall, effectively making showers redundant. And please, for the love of God, get a pair of flip flops. 

Speaking of sex, there is also the motif of sexual experimentation that is shared between both dorms and prisons. Much like prison, college is a time of sexual experimentation. Pray that your roommate isn’t a heavy-set, frustrated man named Bubba. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, more power to you. 

Just how prisoners will write to their loved ones once a month about how they’re doing great and surviving, so will you to your parents. You’ll call text them and say how you love college life and how you are making so many friends while simultaneously failing to mention that you got an MIP for having an empty beer can in your garbage. It’s best not to let them worry as to what really goes down on the inside. 

It’s not all bad, though. You do get conjugal visits from time to time.