2015 is such an exciting time to be alive. There are those hoverboard things, "Jurassic World
was kind of a big deal, there might be a woman president (again), and Adele is finally coming out with a new album.

You remember Adele, right?

She's the one with the pipes whose last album "21", released in 2011, was on repeat in your mom's car until three months ago. Then she left us to have a baby or whatever.

Well now she's back, and she expects us to just forgive her and welcome her with open arms. She didn't even bother to lie and tell us she was going to the store to get cigarettes or anything, she just dipped out of the music world for nearly half of a decade. Well she's not getting back in my life so easily.

Though I'm sure the rest of you are crapping yourselves in anticipation.

But before you start flipping parked cars and smashing windows out of sheer excitement, run through this quick list on how to deal with Adele's impending album release.

1. Take a series of deep breaths.

That's it, in and out. Inhale. Exhale. Good job. Now inhale again. Now exhale. With every breath think of an Adele song that you enjoy, and how tired you got of "Someone Like You" after it played on the radio thirty times a day, every day, and the fact that it's still one of her most recent releases.


2. Do some light stretching.

Thinking about how we've been deprived of her music probably made you a little upset. That's fine, you're entitled to your emotions. You're special and I love you. Why not use this irritation productively, channelling it into physical activity?

Stretch forwards and backwards, continuing to take deep breaths as you go. Raise your arms above your head. Touch your toes. Think of everything that's happened in your life since the last time she released in album. Four years ago. You might have finished high school, or college. You could've gotten divorced and remarried. A president of the United States could've served a full term. What makes her so special? Four years, Adele? Really? This album better be The-Beatles-plus-the-Second-Coming-of-Jesus good, lady.


3. Make a light snack.

After that gentle stretching, you should feel light and free. Food's always a good idea, so make yourself your favorite snack. Here's a fun recipe you can try:

1. Drive to KFC.

2. Order a bucket of extra crispy chicken. Pretend to be on the phone with your friends and/or loved ones while you order. To make it really convincing, briefly argue about what to order with your pretend friend.

3. Drive to an empty parking lot and eat the whole thing in your car while listening to "Rolling In the Deep" on repeat.

4. Drive home in silence.

5. Make a kale smoothie, then post a picture of it on Instagram so your followers can see how important nutrition is to you. Now pour it down the sink.

While waiting for your snack to finish frying, consider the fact that Adele won an Academy Award for her song "Skyfall", essentially being rewarded for releasing one song in four years. That's like turning in one essay during college and graduating magna cum laude. You owe us all an explanation, Adele.


4. Take a nap.

Follow this excellently preserved mummy's example

Rest does a body good. Turn off your phone and lay down for a serene, rejuvenating nap. Get in your most comfortable position. Surround yourself with warm sheets and soft pillows. Close your eyes and count your blessings. Think of a sunny field of flowers swaying in the gentle breeze. Think of waves gently splashing against the shore. Think of all of the artists that released music while Adele was busy not being busy. Beyoncé's self-titled album didn't take four years, AND it was a complete surprise. If B could give us "Flawless***", "Drunk In Love", and "Partition" after a two year break (which included the birth of her child) and somehow keep it a secret, then Adele's album better move me to tears, or more.

During these last four years, I've grown so much. I'm in college now, I've stopped dancing for tips down by the train tracks, and, to be perfectly honest, I've realized what a full, productive, and above all happy life I'm able to lead, with or without Adele's music. "25" is a welcome surprise, and I look forward to it being overplayed, but I have decided to remain neutral about this whole thing. Follow these helpful hints and you too will be able to replace that white-hot rage (you know, because she abandoned us) with a soothing neutrality that is good for mind, body, and soul.