How To Cope With Adele's New Album

How To Cope With Adele's New Album

4 simple steps to help you control your excitement

2015 is such an exciting time to be alive. There are those hoverboard things, "Jurassic World
was kind of a big deal, there might be a woman president (again), and Adele is finally coming out with a new album.

You remember Adele, right?

She's the one with the pipes whose last album "21", released in 2011, was on repeat in your mom's car until three months ago. Then she left us to have a baby or whatever.

Well now she's back, and she expects us to just forgive her and welcome her with open arms. She didn't even bother to lie and tell us she was going to the store to get cigarettes or anything, she just dipped out of the music world for nearly half of a decade. Well she's not getting back in my life so easily.

Though I'm sure the rest of you are crapping yourselves in anticipation.

But before you start flipping parked cars and smashing windows out of sheer excitement, run through this quick list on how to deal with Adele's impending album release.

1. Take a series of deep breaths.

That's it, in and out. Inhale. Exhale. Good job. Now inhale again. Now exhale. With every breath think of an Adele song that you enjoy, and how tired you got of "Someone Like You" after it played on the radio thirty times a day, every day, and the fact that it's still one of her most recent releases.

2. Do some light stretching.

Thinking about how we've been deprived of her music probably made you a little upset. That's fine, you're entitled to your emotions. You're special and I love you. Why not use this irritation productively, channelling it into physical activity?

Stretch forwards and backwards, continuing to take deep breaths as you go. Raise your arms above your head. Touch your toes. Think of everything that's happened in your life since the last time she released in album. Four years ago. You might have finished high school, or college. You could've gotten divorced and remarried. A president of the United States could've served a full term. What makes her so special? Four years, Adele? Really? This album better be The-Beatles-plus-the-Second-Coming-of-Jesus good, lady.

3. Make a light snack.

After that gentle stretching, you should feel light and free. Food's always a good idea, so make yourself your favorite snack. Here's a fun recipe you can try:

1. Drive to KFC.

2. Order a bucket of extra crispy chicken. Pretend to be on the phone with your friends and/or loved ones while you order. To make it really convincing, briefly argue about what to order with your pretend friend.

3. Drive to an empty parking lot and eat the whole thing in your car while listening to "Rolling In the Deep" on repeat.

4. Drive home in silence.

5. Make a kale smoothie, then post a picture of it on Instagram so your followers can see how important nutrition is to you. Now pour it down the sink.

While waiting for your snack to finish frying, consider the fact that Adele won an Academy Award for her song "Skyfall", essentially being rewarded for releasing one song in four years. That's like turning in one essay during college and graduating magna cum laude. You owe us all an explanation, Adele.

4. Take a nap.

Follow this excellently preserved mummy's example

Rest does a body good. Turn off your phone and lay down for a serene, rejuvenating nap. Get in your most comfortable position. Surround yourself with warm sheets and soft pillows. Close your eyes and count your blessings. Think of a sunny field of flowers swaying in the gentle breeze. Think of waves gently splashing against the shore. Think of all of the artists that released music while Adele was busy not being busy. Beyoncé's self-titled album didn't take four years, AND it was a complete surprise. If B could give us "Flawless***", "Drunk In Love", and "Partition" after a two year break (which included the birth of her child) and somehow keep it a secret, then Adele's album better move me to tears, or more.

During these last four years, I've grown so much. I'm in college now, I've stopped dancing for tips down by the train tracks, and, to be perfectly honest, I've realized what a full, productive, and above all happy life I'm able to lead, with or without Adele's music. "25" is a welcome surprise, and I look forward to it being overplayed, but I have decided to remain neutral about this whole thing. Follow these helpful hints and you too will be able to replace that white-hot rage (you know, because she abandoned us) with a soothing neutrality that is good for mind, body, and soul.

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Severus Snape Is The Worst, And Here's Why

Albus Severus, sweetie, I'm so sorry...


I grew up being absolutely obsessed with the Harry Potter franchise. I read the books for the first time in second and third grade, then again in middle school, and for the third time in my last year of high school. Recently, I had a somewhat heated argument with a fellow fan of the books about Severus Snape. As I've reread the Harry Potter books, I've noticed that, although J.K. Rowling tried to give him a redemption arc, he only got worse because of it. Here's why I still think Severus Snape is the absolute worst.

His love for Lily Potter was actually really creepy. When I was younger and reading the books, I always found the fact that he held fast in his love for Lily to be very endearing, even noble. However, rereading it after going through a couple of relationships myself, I've come to realize that the way he pined over her was super creepy. It was understandable during his time at Hogwarts; he was bullied, and she was the only one who "understood" him. However, she showed zero interest, and if that didn't clue him into realizing that he should back off, her involvement with James Potter should have. She was married. He was pining after a married, happy woman. If he truly loved her, he would have realized how happy she was and backed off. Instead, he took it out on her orphan son and wallowed in bitterness and self-pity, which is creepy and extremely uncool. When a girl is kind to a boy during high school (or in this case, wizard school), it's not an open invitation for him to pine for her for the literal rest of his life and romanticizes the absolute @#$% out of her. It's just her being a decent person. Move on, Severus.

He verbally abused teenagers. One of the most shocking examples of this is in The Prisoner of Azkaban when Snape literally told Neville Longbottom that he would kill his beloved toad, Trevor if he got his Shrinking Potion wrong, and then punished him when he managed to make the potion correctly. Furthermore, poor Neville's boggart was literally Snape. The amount of emotional torture Neville must have been enduring from Snape to create this type of debilitating fear must have been almost unbearable, and even if Snape was simply trying to be a "tough" professor, there is no excuse for creating an atmosphere of hostility and fear like he did in his potions class for vulnerable students like Neville. In addition, he ruthlessly tormented Harry (the last living piece of Lily Potter, his supposed "true love," btw), and made fun of Hermione Granger's appearance. Sure, he might have had a terrible life. However, it's simply a mark of poor character to take it out on others, especially when the people you take it out on are your vulnerable students who have no power to stand up to you. Grow up.

He willingly joined a terrorist group and helped them perform genocide and reign over the wizarding world with terror tactics for a couple of decades. No explanation needed as to why this is terrible.

Despite the constant romanticization of his character, I will always see the core of Severus Snape, and that core is a bitter, slimy, genocidal, manipulative trash being. J.K. Rowling's attempt to redeem him only threw obsessive and controlling traits into the mix. Snape is the absolute worst, and romanticizing him only removes criticism of an insane man who just so happened to be capable of love (just like the vast majority of the rest of us). Thank you, next.

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