If your upbringing was anything like mine, then your parents probably used the phrase, “If you can’t say anything nice, don't say anything at all” on at least a few occasions. What if someone else’s parents didn’t tell them that? What if they did say something that wasn’t so nice? What happens then? Maybe you used the good old “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
I don’t know about you, but every time I said that, I knew in my heart it wasn’t true. Don’t get me wrong. I’m the biggest wimp in the world when it comes to physical pain, so I have no doubt that if you throw a stick or a stone at me I’ll start crying, but there have been a few times in my life where words have hurt worse than any stick or stone on this earth.
I’m going to get real honest with you for a second. I’m a pretty confident person, but if you ask anyone close to me, they’ll be able to tell you that my #1 insecurity is tied to my size and my figure. Ever since high school, I’ve always been self-conscious about my weight. I constantly compared myself to the other girls. Even though I wasn’t considered fat, I would find ways to prove to myself that I definitely wasn’t thin enough. My stomach wasn’t as flat. My thighs were too big. My face was too round. The list kept going, and the habit of comparing hasn’t gone away since high school. I tell myself enough that I’m not as thin as most of my friends. So whenever anyone else says something to me about my size or my weight, good or bad, you better believe it sticks with me.
For example, a few weeks back I went with my best friend to David’s Bridal to try on a bridesmaid’s dress. The lady at the front desk didn’t seem to be in the best mood. Nevertheless, she checked us in and asked what I wanted to try on. I showed her a picture of the dress I was looking for, and she grumpily walked us over to one of the consultants. She told the consultant which dress to pull and then turned around to face me. She looked me up and down and with her sassy tone said, “She’s maybe a 12, but probably a 14.”
Now, first of all, I’m pretty sure there is some unspoken rule in the bridal industry that you always guess a size down from what you think the person wears, because girls are already insecure enough about sizing. Clearly, this troubled woman needed to be updated on dress shopping girl code. Secondly, I want to point out that another bridesmaid’s dress I had for an upcoming wedding is a size 10, and I'm typically between a 10 and a 12. So even though she wasn’t completely off about the size 12, she was definitely wrong about the 14. Immediately, I felt embarrassed and frustrated as she sized me up (literally) the way she did. I sort of hung my head after she strutted off. This lady obviously had no idea how insecure I already was about my size nor did I expect her to. But still, what she said and the way she said it rings in my ear every time I think about that dress.
Now here’s an example on the other end of the spectrum.
It was about 11 p.m. My brother and I were going to see his friends at their high school graduation the next day, and I, for the life of me, couldn’t find anything acceptable to wear. I had something critical to say about every dress I tried on. This one made my legs look big. This one made my shoulders look too broad. This one made my hips look huge. You get the idea. I had tried on close to 20 dresses and was about to hit my breaking point. I was almost to the point of tears when my younger brother walked downstairs. And as I stood there, disapproving of everything I saw in the mirror, he said, “Wow, Kristen! You look beautiful!”
That’s all he said, just five words. But they were five words I needed to hear at that moment to silence every other negative thought I was having about the way I looked. I walked into that graduation the next day, wearing that same dress my brother said he liked, feeling like a million bucks. We all have stories of when someone’s words have either helped you or hurt you.
Proverbs 18:21 says, “Words kill, words give life. They’re either poison or fruit - you choose."
There is so much truth packed into these two short sentences. Our words have more power than we give them credit for.
So next time you go to say something to someone, take a second to think. The words you’re about to say, do they have they potential to kill? Are they life-giving words? Are they poisonous words, or are they fruitful words? Better yet, think about it this way. Would you want someone to say to you what you’re thinking about saying to them?
My hope is that we think about these questions before we just throw our words around. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather use words that are helpful and encouraging instead of words that are hurtful and discouraging. I don’t ever want my words to make anyone feel the way I felt that day in David’s Bridal. I want my words to make people feel the way I felt after my brother told me I looked nice. Seriously, think before you speak, and if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.