I like to think of myself as an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman. I can have a chip on my shoulder sometimes, and I know that. That being said, I’m not the most warm and fuzzy person. It's not that I don't care, I do. I just don't always express my feelings in the same way as everyone else. When my husband told me that he would be gone for four days on business, I wasn’t particularly worried. “What will you do without me?” he asked. Hmmm, I don’t know… whatever I want? I can binge watch The Sopranos. I can do a face mask and drink wine endlessly. In reality, I’ll probably be writing and doing homework like I am every other week. However, I found that this concept was far from my reality. As much as I may consider myself an independent and self sufficient person, it still sucks being separated from your best friend.

DAY ONE

I woke up at 4 a.m. as he left for the airport. I squinted my eyes groggily as he gave me a kiss goodbye and whispered, “I love you babe.” I mumbled for him to text me when he was getting on the plane. Then I stretched out on the bed, and fell back asleep with the dog resting beside me.

I woke up a few hours later before work. He had already fed the cats their breakfast, so there was nothing for me to do other than take the dog out to go pee. I walked her out into the back yard as she flashed over the grass light a fluffy white streak, jumping in every direction. We are still trying to house train her, so getting her to go outside has been an experience. I stood outside shivering, repeating, “Harley, go potty,” like a broken record. Finally she went, and I brought her inside. On any other day, he would be doing all this as I got ready to leave for the day.

Coming home from work was not nearly as eventful as it usually was. I had planned the weekly meals as usual, looking at my cookbooks and weighing what ingredients we had in the pantry. I was going to cook a garden chicken recipe with veggies and rice, made with local wine. It wasn’t the kind of thing I would make for dinner for one, and I had been excited to make it for him.

My entire pace had been thrown off in his absence. Before, I would come home, cook dinner, and maybe watch some TV before starting my homework. That was our time, having dinner together. Now it didn’t matter if I ate, when I ate. No one would know. I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen over a hot pan, hollering, “Almost done babe. Are you ready to eat?” Sometimes it rubs me the wrong way how he can be of so few words, but I missed the, “Sounds great babe,” and the initial, “Mmmmm…” as he took those first bites and offered, “It’s great babe, thank you.” Very few words, but enough to be appreciative.

There was also no one else to help me entertain the dog. She would leap up at me as I laid on the sofa trying to eat my corn chowder while watching TV. Usually it would be the two of us. “You need to tire her out,” I’d say, as he leaned on the floor and threw the ball across the room. She would dive down at it, sliding across the tile, before retrieving it and scampering back happily.

DAY TWO

I woke up, startled, at the sound of my third alarm. I had thirty minutes to get ready. “Trash comes on Tuesday,” he had said before leaving as I shot him a side-eye. He had shrugged in a don’t-shoot-the-messenger manner. I have taken the trash out… before… To be honest it would not have occurred to me. I collected the trash and put it in the can. I’m pretty tall, and these cans come to my chest. I felt completely ridiculous using my full body weight to move the over-sized cans while my neighbors watched. After feeding the animals, I barely had time to get out the door. No one to say, "Bye sweetie, have a great day," and chase me for a kiss.

DAY THREE

I can’t get anything done.

I’m sitting with my laptop trying to wrap up articles and homework. My dog is crying because she has to be in my lap. Any other week, I’d holler, “Baaaabe, can you get the dog?” He would come take her and play with her while I finished my homework, had my team call, or whatever was on the agenda that night. I felt like I was the ringleader of a circus that no one bought tickets to.

As much as I say I don’t need anyone, I can honestly say that I like my life better with him in it. I need my partner in crime back. We make such an amazing team, and now I realize that we both wouldn’t have achieved half of what we have without each other. We may have eventually, but it would have been much more difficult. As with anything else, I feel that the best things in life are worth sharing. I miss sharing them. I miss having someone to be silly with. I miss you showing me your projects, and coming home to find you working in the yard that you are so proud of. I miss our late nights with homework. I miss our dinnertime conversation. I miss the, "Your hugs have healing powers," even if I would snicker. No one makes me feel as special as you. I'm ready to get back to our daily mischief and shenanigans.