Music has always been my safe space, the place that I can hide whenever I don’t feel like being a member of the real world. I can turn on some tunes and jam out on my way to class. I can listen to ballads, pretend I’m in a music video when I’m sad and it’s rainy. And when I’m anxious or stressed? Music is key. It’s the only thing that can keep me calm on a packed rush-hour train when I’m already running late for work. My headphones give me the ability to take a bit of a mental breather, to have a personal, relaxing moment when I wouldn’t have the time otherwise.
That’s why, ever since I got my first iPod at the ripe age of 12, against just about every safety recommendation ever available to me, I wear my headphones everywhere. They’re supposed to be a sort of universal sign that I’m taking a moment—I’m enjoying myself, I’m commiserating, I’m thinking, I’m wrapped up in my own head. My headphones are on because what’s going on inside my head is either more interesting or more important than what’s going in the outside world.
I think that’s why so many women, myself included, were infuriated with this article from The ModernMan. The article is one of those that details how to “pick up” women, specifically women wearing headphones. They may have just titled the article, “How To Talk To Women Who Don’t Want To Talk To Anyone,” or “How to Waste Your Own Time.”
Here’s the deal: if you’re flagging me down, telling me to take off my headphones to listen to you, I’m automatically assuming it’s an emergency. Maybe not a Class-A emergency, maybe no one’s on fire, it’s something that is definitely important than whatever it is I’m thinking about; I left my bag open, I dropped something, you’re trying to get by and I’m in your way. Suddenly, my headphones are off, I’m interrupted and alert, and you’re trying to hit on me.
And as so many critics of street harassment and have pointed out, I suddenly have to do a ton of logistical thinking. Are you a psychopath? Will you actually leave me alone if I try to shut you down? Will you get angry or violent if I try to tell you to leave me alone? I have to now try and toe the line between trying to assert myself and trying to keep myself safe, because I have no idea how you’ll react, Bottom line, being approached by strange men is scary, and it’s part of the reason I was wearing headphones in the first place.
Know this: when you interrupt a woman wearing headphones, you’re doing exactly that. You’re interrupting her at best, and at worst? You’re scaring her. Yes, she may be single. She may even be, when the headphones are off, looking for a boyfriend or a hook-up. But she has bars, Tinder, Bumble, mutual friends, endless resources at her disposal to find those things if that’s what she wants. If she has her headphones on, it is not the time nor the place. She’s focused on something else and isn’t looking to talk. To interrupt her then is definitely intrusive. Find another way.
