I love makeup. I love to experiment with new looks, watch beauty vlogs, and wear striking shades of lipstick. Despite this, weaponized femininity-- the idea that wearing makeup and being traditionally feminine is empowering-- does not really sit well with me. Makeup might be empowering in some situations, but it’s often not. When I feel like I can’t leave my room until my makeup is on, when I feel like makeup falls in the “necessity” category in my budget, when I choose to be a little late to a meeting rather than go with a bare face because I know that my natural face would be considered less professional than my tardiness, these are not examples of feminism. In a society that demands female beauty, choosing to subvert those beauty ideals is a far more feminist choice than following them.

Nonetheless, for various reasons, I wear makeup most days. Until recently, I wore it anytime I went out. I was progressing towards a point where I felt like I couldn’t be seen in public without a makeup. I was beginning to be repulsed by own bare face in the mirror.

The turning point for me came when I started being more observant of Shabbat, the Jewish sabbath day. There are 39 forms of work forbidden on this day, and dyeing is one of them. Most observant Jews today consider applying makeup to be forbidden under this prohibition. At first, I was hesitant to fulfill this observance. I couldn’t imagine going to Saturday morning services and showing my community my bare face. I found it so repulsive; how could anyone else not?

But eventually, I decided to try it. My devotion to G-d, I realized, had to be stronger than my fear of my natural appearance. Since that first day, I’ve never looked back.

I’m beginning to like my face again.