Let's face it, you don't have the same morning and night routine that you had in high school. Your classes are all at different times and your assignments due at midnight are being completed at 10:57 p.m. on the day they're due. Believe me, I get it. In fact, let's break down the precise timeline of what a typical weekday night/morning consists of for those on a college schedule.
Dinner Window
Time: 6:07 p.m. - 7:38 p.m.
First of all, nobody likes eating dinner alone. Breakfast and lunch are executable meals to eat in your lonesome because it's easy to pull out some schoolwork and pretend like you're being productive when, in actuality, you're watching Shameless with subtitles. Every minute is crucial during college dinnertime. After texting and FaceTiming literally every single friend you have, you finally collect maybe one or two people to go eat a meal with you. Why no more than two people? Face it, you're not that entertaining. Does your entire family eagerly wait for your dialog to begin at the dinner table back home. Probably not, chump.
Shower Time
Time: 7:47 p.m. - 8:13 p.m.
Seems like a long time? To be fair, the water pressure in your dorm bathroom feels as if there is a small baby goat urinating on your scalp as you try to rinse your conditioner out. It takes a long time! Besides, the shower is really the only time you can stare at your feet and ponder how the ending of "Inception" truly made you feel. Plus, you're most likely wearing flip flops or Adidas slides, so stabilizing yourself to wash the bottoms of your feet is really a hassle. So, 26 minutes is the minimum requirement.
Post Shower Instagram Scroll
Time: 8:14 p.m. - 8:28 p.m.
It's the evening. You're chillin' in your velcro shower towel. It's time for a hearty scroll.
Post Insta Scroll Facebook Check
Time: 8:28 p.m. - 8:34 p.m.
Your mom tagged you in a video. It's not really that funny but you know she put her bifocals on to find the "@" button in order to properly tag you in it, so you like and send a message notifying her you saw it and giggled. White lies don't count as real lies.
Post Facebook Check Email Response
Time: 8:34 p.m. - 8:39 p.m.
All of the dweebs in your group project are comparing ideas and vigorously editing the Google Doc. As the weakest link, you're required to respond for participation points and act like you know what's going on, even though these kids are all pre-med and engineering and have had themselves together since the 5th grade.
Homework
Time: 8:40 p.m. - 9:45 p.m.
You pay a lot of money to attend this university, so you truly must do your work. Plus if you fail out, your dad will actually make you sleep in the yard, tent-less!
Study Break
Time: 9:45 p.m. - 10:03 p.m.
Morgan needs to stop posting pics of her dog. We get it, Morgan, you miss her.
More Homework
Time: 10:03 p.m. - 11:47 p.m.
Well, this isn't due until Friday and it is only Tuesday so you plan on asking your TA (whom you purposely befriended) how to do it in class tomorrow.
Bedtime Snack
Time: 11:47 p.m. - 11:51 p.m.
You pull some carrots out of your fridge because you and your roommate are on a 'health kick'.
Post-game Bedtime Snack
Time: 11:51 p.m. - 11:56 p.m.
Screw this health kick, go dip your Doritos in some Queso. Cheese comes from milk and milk promotes strong bone health. Calcium hero.
Some Nonchalant Room Sanitation
Time: 11:56 p.m. - 12:12 a.m.
Throw your dirty clothes in the hamper! Put away your sneakers! Push in your chair! Dispose six half-consumed plastic water bottles into the recycle bin! Spray some Febreze! Everyone is having the best time cleaning! Fun!
Witty Roommate Chatter
Time: 12:15 a.m. - 12:35 a.m.
This is a rather 'freaky' time of the night for you and your roommate. Conversation-starting questions include, "Do starfish have feelings?" and, "How far do I have to stick this Q-tip in my ear before it touches my brain?" Groundbreaking material.
Two Minutes of Intense-Lung Rupturing Coughing
Time: 12:35 a.m. - 12:37 a.m.
The moisture in your throat is quickly sucked dry and, for some reason, you cannot help but to cough and wheeze for two minutes straight. You aren't sick and you don't have allergies, college just gave you this permanent cough that will never exit your system. Tragic.
Tagging Your High School Friends in Memes
Time: 12:37 a.m. - 12:41 a.m.
What better way to show your friends back home you're thinking about them than a nice meme tag?
