Adulthood. Your whole life has been leading up to this, and finally, it's here. It's an exciting time, with a slew of new experiences just waiting to be had. But some things are different now. You can't just have Grams waddle down to the schoolyard to give your bully a whack over the back of the head like you used to. There are new rules, pal. And you better get used to playin' by 'em. Does this scare you? It should. But don't worry — I've got you covered. Here are six ways to put a halt to bullies in the world of adults:
Inquire, “Hey mister, what’s your deal?"
This will make any bully stand down. They will think, “Hm. What is my deal?” While the bully ponders you can slither away undetected.
Carry a frozen meatball in your sock
In one smooth, quick motion, remove the meatball from beside your anklebone and flip it into the air. The bully will have no choice but to try and catch the ball in his mouth. “Mama Mia, that’s-a good-a meat sphere,” he will say, and it will bring him great tranquility.
Unzip your fly
Announce your status by saying, “My fly’s open and I have no intentions of closing it! A-ha!” and the bully will be extra nervous because they are now bullying someone with an open fly. Alternatively, if the bully tries to make light of the situation with a mocking “Your fly is down, donkey-brains,” obliterate him by quipping, “Why were you looking there, you creeper!” and the bully will cry.
Yell, “Firetruck! Rumble rumble rumble rumble.”
No one wants to get run down by a big red fire truck, least of all bullies. It would bring great shame and dishonor to the bully bloodline. By using this time-tested phrase, you will bamboozle the bully into thinking a fast-moving high-powered water blaster vehicle is rumbling down the cobblestone road behind them, with a thirst for blood. This scares the wits out of the big bad bully and he will scamper back to his lair in a tizzy.
Toss a Dollop of Mayonnaise Into The Bully’s Eyeballs
Today is the day you learn how to use this incredible instrument of self-defense. Slyly slide your melon baller into your pocket and collect a hearty dollop of mayo. Look at the flick of that wrist as you hurl your gob toward the bully’s face. The most effective way to subdue an attacker is to assault his eyeballs. With practice, you can accurately blind your opponent with a wet mask of creamy condiment. To finish, shout in a commanding voice, “Wriggle away from here, fiend.” The bully will wriggle away.
Practice Brujería and Summon the Sea Witch To Drag Them To Hell
Obtain in your possession a bundle of healthy sea wrack, the spines of seven steely urchins, and a strip of patent leather. Construct a burlap doll and fill with hay and earthen materials. Take these constituents to a lone crag during the bewitching hour of the seventh day, under full view of the moon. Use the urchin spines and patent leather to fashion a tacky belt for the Doll of Destruction. With the wrack, stitch together a wig and throw that on top of the doll too. The Sea Witch does not tolerate the bald. Cast the doll into the sea while saying, “Hello Miss Sea Witch, I am here to summon you for some bidding. Please don’t hurt me Miss Sea Witch, I have brought you a really nice dolly I have made for you. Miss Sea Witch, I implore you to drag _______________ (name of bully) into the eternal depths of hell, and drown their spirit in the tears of my sorrows. May they suffer great torment by the hands of Agatha the Sea Witch, whom inspires fear and blackens hearts. Thank you Miss Sea Witch, text me later.” Aggie (sweetheart, really) will text you within 2-3 business days to notify you once the ritual has been completed.
