Throughout our lifespan, we experience both memorable and forgettable friendships. Each relationship teaches us various lessons throughout our life. If we are lucky, we are able to experience friendships that we are sure will last a lifetime.
" Grey's Anatomy" coined the term, "your person" when discussing the bond between two individuals. To me, finding "your person" means you have found your ultimate support system. Science considers the family definition to be more than one person who shares forms of DNA. However, "my person" is my family I willingly picked.
Three years ago, my best friend was expecting a baby boy. Unfortunately, delivery wasn’t easy. She spent approximately 17 days prior to birth in the hospital, on top of her baby's NICU stay. As a friend, I will never be able to fully comprehend what she endured. However, I remember how helpless I felt observing someone I care about go through something so terrifying and not being able to make it better.
It is important that when your best friend goes through such a terrifying time, you keep in mind her personality when you consider ways to support her. The following is what I learned during supporting my friend through her difficult delivery and time in the NICU.
1. Know your boundaries.
Your friend may not want the details she tells you to be made public. Often outsiders will ask you for updates, and it is important to know what your friend feels comfortable or not comfortable sharing. When I was in my position, several people became agitated with me for not updating them. However, what it comes down to is this: when your friend needs something done, that's what is more important. I would have done anything she wanted. Therefore, remember to know your boundaries.
2. Visit.
Unless told otherwise visit, visit every day. Sometimes when someone is going through their own personal hell, all it takes is someone sitting there in order to not feel alone. Bring activities; being a patient can be boring. Magazines and snacks are imperative. When my best friend was hospitalized prior to her delivery, I would visit every day with snacks , magazines , etc. There was even one day ,I spent two hours in the parking lot waiting for visiting hours to start. There was no one more important than her during this time and nowhere else I wanted to be. However, I asked prior to going if I could each time. When I received an, “I don’t care," I knew that most likely meant, "yes, I want you there." When I received a no, I didn’t go. Respect what your friend wants.3. Don’t wonder why you don’t know all the details.
Depending on the person, do not worry about whether or not you know or why you don’t know all the details. I have to admit at times it was frustrating wondering why my best friend didn’t tell me what was going on. However, the overall reality is it is nothing personal; your friend is more concerned about absorbing the details of her health and her preemie’s health. She is so overwhelmed by the information she is being told that she will not be able to keep track of what she tells you. If she wants to tell you details, she will. Do not push for information.4. Distract.
It is more than likely that your friend is thinking about every detail of what can go wrong during this time, figure out ways to distract her. A good laugh heals wounds, if only for a second. In my situation, there is nothing that my best friend likes more than making fun of me. When she was admitted, I would share stories of bizarre things I would do to make her laugh. For instance, during the time she was admitted I ordered us fast food, and then I pulled away without actually getting the food and was too embarrassed to go back and get it. When I told her this story, for a brief second after a day of bad news she laughed and proceeded to make fun of me. She then proceeded to make fun of me to every visitor that followed, but I didn’t care because she was laughing and not thinking about the worst possible scenario even for a brief second. When her son was in the NICU, I sent texts and gave her opportunities to make fun of me. Distract your friend.
5. Check in everyday.
When she was admitted prior to birth, I visited every day. When the baby was in NICU, I backed off. Your friend will be scared for her baby’s health more than her own. I would be mindful of boundaries here. I knew my best friend was really private, so I resorted to one text every single day that said, “How you are, and how is the baby?" There were days she didn’t answer, days she just said, "okay." You do not need details; you are just going to need for your friend to know daily that when they are ready they have a support system on standby. Everyday that she received a text she knew I was there.6. Respect their privacy.
When their baby is in the NICU, they may not want anyone around. Again, don’t take it personal; a premature baby is a huge transition. Make it suddenly known by letting them know you are available for help, and are thinking about them. When they are ready to engage they will come around, and be looking for your friendship.7. Don’t ask when he is coming home.
Looking back, there were times I asked my friend when her son was coming home, and I wouldn’t do it again. There is lot of ups and downs when in this vulnerable situation. They may be expecting their child to come home and things take a turn. In my opinion, its best to avoid that question.8. Celebrate accomplishments as they grow.
If the outcome of the difficult birth is good, be overly happy about each one of their accomplishments as they grow, first steps, sitting up, first words, etc. In reality each accomplishment is beyond amazing. I look back where my nephew was, and where he is today as I sit here writing this and he is asking me to tickle him, and I am in amazement. He is the product of parents and extended family that wouldn’t stop until he was ok, and the prime example of the significant benefits of early intervention.I would be lost without my "person". I never want to see her like that again. When everything goes to hell , your family steps up , and I would of done anything to take the pain away for her. My hope is that writing about my experiences will help other friends be there for their best friend going through a similar situation after a difficult birth. My goal during this time was to bring a little normalcy into a delicate situation. I accomplished this by giving her all of her favorite things, privacy, space, silent communication and the opportunity to brutally make fun of me.
